Late December 2014/2557                                                                                   Issue 34

All material in this publication is highly copyrighted by Al Reynolds 2014
Highly Copyrighted Material is material I don’t even know about and beyond.

Life is rather hard to do by yourself. You always need someone to tell you when you missed a belt loop.

If the woman you are with is just so absolutely beautiful that you can’t believe your luck… you shouldn’t.

National Geographic is my favorite. They were my favorite when I was a kid because the magazine was mostly photos and not so much text… Then of course, they added color. Then they went into the movie business. The movies have made reporting on nature even better. Now the magazine has a real problem…. It seems that there are too many tourists on site in Africa…. It’s like trying to drive through Disney World to get to the wild animals… how do you film forty-thousand wildebeests crossing a river ahead of the crocodiles without filming tourist in Tilley hats on the far side taking bets …. It’s unfair

Brunch Schedule

The Chef’s Table is the official site for the Club Brunch on Wednesdays….No business is conducted… Monday has become The Irish Clock…and on Friday it is The Good Corner or The T-Bar restaurant at 10:00am

The women have been coming to these Brunches for a while… they gather their own group at our breakfast venue and then walk off to a restaurant around the corner that serves their kind of food. It is our opinion that the ladies really enjoy getting together for these brunches… Bring your lady along.(They compare notes and then all hell will break out when you get home.)

Dear Editor,

I’ve got a real set up. I imagine a lot of the farangs you know would be envious… I live with my Thai wife and her brother in Thailand for six months out of the year before I scoot back to my home country in time for the delightful spring and summer months. Then I beat a hasty retreat back here six months later when it turns cold at home… It is always nice to get back to Thailand and the warm embrace of my wife who I miss so much. Am I lucky or what?

I only have one problem and maybe you can help. It is my ex’s home in the old country that I return and it is actually to a small bedroom in the back that I settle… The room is nice and cozy and it will do until I find a way to improve my fortunes and I can find a place of my own. Until then I have a problem…. My ex-wife is occupied with a much younger boyfriend and I must say I can hear their social interaction throughout the night. Their racket and thrashing about are a tremendous hazard to a restful night of sleep for me. Do you have any suggestions I can follow?

Bobby Blather

Dear Bobby,

It is good you cut short your letter of complaint before we lost our concentration. We are easily distracted and were about to ask for a more descriptive accounting of your ex’s “racket and thrashing about.” regardless, we have a solution. Read on.

It sounds like you are in a bit of a pickle and short of funds on both ends of your semiannual trek. Your account of your sparse accommodations in the old home leaves us to wonder what you have provided for your wife and her brother in the way of luxuries back here in the land of Smiles.

To that end the editorial staff took an unsolicited midnight ride out to your village last night. Our purpose was to determine just how well, if at all, your wife and her “brother” are managing in your absence. A public service we provide sometimes.

We would be amiss if we didn’t now report that we heard what must be similar sounds to what you described in your letter as “their racket and thrashing about” coming from your home here in the village, however, and this may just be a cultural thing; we believe the sounds we recorded last night are more in line with unbridled ravenous sex than mere social interaction…. Of course we don’t know for sure because we were at a disadvantage trying to peep through the windows and fighting off the Soi dogs at the same time.

You might want to render your appreciation for travel and get back with us.

Stop by the office upon your return. We would love to play our copyrighted recordings to you over a cup of coffee….

Sincerely

The Editorial Staff…

 

Basic Instincts

Why do all the female TV anchors wear skimpy skirts?

Okay I understand being a good looker…. That seems to be a prerequisite. A woman has to be good looking in order to be a TV anchor…and I buy into the short skirts but I don’t buy into the news and short skirt combo at the same time. How are you supposed to remember the news when all you can think about is getting a peep up one of those skimpy skirts?

I practically missed the first gulf war waiting for a peek.

Have you seen what I’m talking about…. It takes a lot of work to concentrate on the news when you are wondering if one of those gals is going to uncross her legs and give all of us in TV land a view… Remember Sharon Stone… I do but I can’t remember a word she said.

Walmart Photos

I live overseas. My only access to Walmart is through photos of goofy looking Walmart shoppers posted on Face Book….. I’m worried. The photos make it look as though all Walmart stores are filled wall to wall with mangy people masquerading as shoppers. I can’t get my head around that.

I’m having a hard time imagining shoppers showing up in a Walmart, in maybe, Columbia, South Carolina just before Christmas, dressed like Halloween or in Lincoln, Nebraska wearing short shorts, sans underpants in February…

If people showed up in Columbia, South Carolina dressed the least little bit goofy the good folks in Columbia would most likely send them off to church and if some zany folks showed in a Nebraska Walmart dressed like retards without underwear those good folks in Nebraska just might hunt those goofs down with long rifles…

That’s why I don’t believe people in isolated areas are that goofy…. I bet most of the weird shoppers photographed were spotted in heavily populated States like California, Nevada or New York. I also believe that is where zombies come from.

That’s my hypothesis from this side of the Pacific. I could be wrong.

Why can’t you test drive a house

You can test drive a car or a motorcycle but you can’t test drive a house. A house is often the largest investment you’ll ever make. Why can’t you test drive it? Like, move in for a few days… use the beds, air conditioners, check for creaky stairways and such. Wouldn’t that be a good idea?

You can test drive a motorcycle by taking it around the block. You can test drive a car by driving through the city and back to the store. Why can’t you move into a house for a few days? Move in on Monday morning and stay until Friday evening? If you are still in the house on Friday the owner can throw in a little bonus… maybe beer from the refrigerator.

It wouldn’t work because I have friends who would go from one house test drive to another house test drive each week. They wouldn’t have any intentions of buying. Their goal would be to live free which is none of my business.

My only complaint would be not knowing where my friends are on any given Friday night so I can get my free beer.

The Editor’s unabashed sales pitch…. With incredible news:

V olume I,II, III and IV are now available in paperback… that’s right, you’re not limited to email downloads. The real books are available… You can actually hold these suckers and turn the pages. Sales have gone through the roof since the hard copies have been made available… well, actually that is a thatched roof about four feet off the ground… but a roof just the same..

This cartoon is one of many cartoons featured in any one of four cartoon books published via booksmango.com The books are titled: Up To You: Volume I, II, III & IV.

The books are available online for email download or paperback from any bookstore in the world…

I go to Amazon when I want to drool over my own accomplishments and type in… Al Reynolds: Up To You … Some people are amazed. Not all people, but some.

Nobody will know you bought one… that’s just between you and me.

Thanks for the visit…..

January 2015/2558                                                                                              Issue 35

All material in this publication is highly copyrighted by Al Reynolds 2014

Highly Copyrighted Material is material I don’t even know about and beyond.

An airliner crashed and twenty minutes later the news reported that the results of a poll show that 68% of the people said the airplane was shot down, 21% said the plane hit birds at the end of the runway and 78% said they don’t care. How do they do that?

Who takes the polls? Are polls really taken? Have you ever received a call?

I haven’t. Who does the calling… Who do they call?

I asked my wife a few questions about her nephew and his new fiancée…. I should have been more alert for what came next. In a few minutes I had been told that she works at such and such a place and she stays at home and he works in such and such providence. For the next ten minutes I had no idea my wife was talking about the nephew as a he and his soon to be father in law as another he and the fiancée as a she and her mother as another she… and of course the location of the house, home, and office were one and the same but in different locations.

Brunch Schedule

The Chef’s Table is the official site for the Club Brunch on Wednesdays….No business is conducted… Monday has become The Irish Clock Restaurant and the Good Corner is the Friday morning breakfast spot. Friday at 10:00am.

The women have been coming to these Brunches for a while… they gather their own group at our breakfast venue and then walk off to a restaurant around the corner that serves their kind of food. It is our opinion that the ladies really enjoy getting together for these brunches… Bring your lady along.

Dear Editors,

I am most light headed…. My wife of twenty years has taken a trip to the far reaches of Thailand… Actually, she has flown to Bangkok and will be gone three days. She left me on my own for the first time in twenty years and I am most puzzled…. I shall describe my puzzlement and ask for your input.

I have discovered right off as I prattled about the house doing what I have always done for the last twenty years that I feel unsure of myself. There is no one here to tell me how to turn on a light or to tell me I don’t know how to pour a glass of water for myself. I found this most disturbing on the first day. On the second day of her absence I was most discombobulated watching TV. I continually expected my viewing to be interrupted by my wife with some question about her good looks or grey hair… because of that I completely lost the movie plot and will be compelled to watch the rerun later tonight if I want to find out what happened to Jason Bourne. I will make the effort…

Does this happen to other fellows… Oh, and one last concern. What should I think of all the neighborhood ladies peeping out their windows at me as I walk about my garden? I like to think they are eye balling me with more than just light switches or glasses of water on their mind. What I see are woman desperate for a sexual encounter with me now that my wife is gone? If their peeping is what I think it is I could be up for something exciting and unbridled in my garden …. What do you fellows think? Should I take the plunge?

Sincerely

Bobby Bloomfield.

Dear Bobby,

Thank you for your letter… it is off pace just enough to give us another reason to imagine living just one more day. Your letter is mite on the cute side and may take some delicate answering for sure. For that we have separated your letter and sent the part about light switches, pouring water and watching TV off to an editor we know who writes for a tear jerk movie magazine. She will soon comment. We on the other hand are most interested in the turmoil you seem determined to place upon yourself with this talk of horny peeping neighbors.

This concern is up our alley so we have assigned our junior editor to the task of dropping by for an interview. You’ll know him, he is the editor who types the school menu and does the obits. He is young enough to believe that the ladies for whom you have spoken are indeed interested in climbing over your fence and into your back garden for any amount of afternoon delight while we on the other hand are old enough to know when your goose is about to be cooked…. It is those very ladies you allude that you should be most shy in inviting over the fence.

It is from sad experience that we report that those ladies with the most beguiling eyes and wonderful smiles are probably at this moment connected with your wife via cell phone and are busy reporting on your behavior either with fact or a story totally made up. We are also old and experienced enough to know you will heed no warning, therefore, we suggest you give them the call….We are imagining something bending over…

Sincerely

The Editorial staff…

 

To Your Health

I’m doing everything I need to be doing to maintain my health…

I drink water as soon as I get up. I brush immediately to get rid of the bacteria that built up in my mouth overnight and I’m always flossing.

I take my good health concerns to the breakfast table where I portion out the right amount of fiber, protein and those special nutrients found in three almonds and one walnut.

At noon I rebuild what I have used up during the day and by evening I’m perusing the guide books to make sure I haven’t missed any of the important ingredients that will help me live pain free to a hundred… I just hope I have kept enough floss around to hang myself if none of this goes right.

I’ve found a new way to speak Thai.

My brother came for a weeklong visit. Some say he looks like my twin. I mention that because I want the drama to build here… this is a most mundane story that needs some kind of a drama add-on.

I noticed he wasn’t the least bit intimidated by the Thai language. He spoke English where ever he went…. He never once tried Thai and to my amazement people answered him in English every time. When he ordered stuff he got what he ordered. I was most amazed.

I have been walking around the pond in our village for more than a year now. Dusk is always a good time to be out and about if you want to run into local folk… Today I put my brother’s method to use.

There was a lady pouring oil into the engine of her car. I decided to try my English on her; I asked “Feeding your Car?”

She stopped, turned and laughed… “Yes,” she said and then added, “Nice morning to be walk.” I was most amazed.

I said, “Hello” to the next person I walked by.

He said, “Hello, wife not walk with you today?” Wow. Am I on to something?

Who wrote your last Virus Attack?

Not so long ago some guy invented the traffic radar and sold a lot of them. Then unbeknownst to but a few people this same guy invented the fuzz buster and sold a lot of them. After that he invented the second generation radar and of course he sold a lot of them and then he invented the second generation fuzz buster and sold a heap of them… the guy was a genius…

Until recently I have imagined that there were three maybe four deranged people sitting around the world in dark damp basements writing viruses for your computer and it was these guys who we are afraid.

Now, I’m thinking. Who would want viruses turned loose on the world more than anyone else? Wouldn’t that be the guys who write and then sell virus protection?

Divorce This

Ever notice how a divorce defines the kids…. Suddenly you are so totally mad at your spouse that you need a divorce and the first thing you are going to do is fight over the kids whose blood is fifty percent of the jerk you are divorcing…

Suddenly those half jerk kids are one hundred percent your sweet tolerant self…

Have you ever wondered why you were divorced?

The Editor’s unabashed sales pitch

This cartoon is one of many cartoons featured in any one of four cartoon books published by Books Mango (Bangkok Books)… The books are titled: Up To You Volume I, II, III & IV.

( Volume IV is a cheap come on with fifteen cartoons..) All the other high dollar Volumes are endowed with fifty cartoons.

The books are available online for email download from any bookstore in the world… (That is impressive)

Go to your favorite online bookstore (like Amazon) and type in… Al Reynolds: Up To You and see what happens… you may have to type “cartoons” or” Adult cartoons or “Sleazy cartoons…”

News Flash…. The books are

Now available in paperback same day mailing…. Delivery probably takes a little longer.

Just select “Paperback” when

You place your order.

Thanks for the visit…..

 

Early November 2014/2557                                                                                Issue 32

All material in this publication is highly copyrighted by Al Reynolds 2014
Highly Copyrighted Material is material I don’t even know about and beyond.

First of all…. Means what? “First of all” is a preamble to nothing. “First of all” is a doorway to a makeup world of rhetoric. A trap! “First of all” is where you get sucked into listening to someone’s next forty words. “First of all” is the new generation “This ain’t no lie.”

The American fast food industry employs 10,600,000 people…. That’s pretty good …. At least we have one industry that makes its’ product in the USA and sells its’ product in the USA and employs a lot of people.

Where’s my sell by date? Have I almost expired?

………………………………………………………………………………………

Brunch Schedule

The Chef’s Table is the official site for the Club Brunch on Wednesdays….No business is conducted… Monday it is either the Book House or Nobi’s (whoops, new owner, new name…) whichever suits…The Good Corner on Friday at 10:00am.

The women have been coming to these Brunches for a while… they gather their own group at our breakfast venue and then walk off to a restaurant around the corner that serves their kind of food. It is our opinion that the ladies really enjoy getting together for these brunches… Bring your lady along.

Dear Editor

I need your advice post haste. I am most concerned.

My wife had her fiftieth birthday party last night and I must say it was real….excuse the American term here… but it was a real “Wing-Ding” of a party. A party of all parties but that is not what this letter is about.

After everyone had gone home and we had sealed the house I went into the bed room to bestow on my wife the present of presents and that is when I was most profoundly gob smacked with her response. Recovery is still underway as I write this letter.

My wife said she is over fifty now and will no longer administer to my physical needs…. That’s what she said before pulling the cover over her head and casting off into sleep. Talk about being gob smacked just talking about it.… Is this a Thai thing? What am I to do?

Sincerely

Marty Miphed

Dear Marty,

Only a few of the editorial staff are married and I am hard pressed to imagine that any of those who are married have given any thought to the idea of their brides reaching thirty let alone fifty years of age.

We can only adlib here and hope we say something that is comforting and will keep you buying our paper. Until then we suggest you take a page from the play book and get yourself a cold shower… or if you are so inclined and have a bent towards the wild side of life may we suggest a trip off the beaten path to establish closer ties with those ladies whose life experiences have until recently included the wearing of Mickey Mouse adorned shoes and to carrying those cute little pink Minnie Mouse purses.

Sincerely

The Editor

…………….

Reincarnate This

Reincarnation is probably no big deal…. You die and then you recycle… doesn’t sound hard… I never worried about it until I started watching National Geographic and learned that there are a lot of choices for that trip back… sometimes I think it would be safe to come back as an insect… Insects generally have short lives but so what? Another cycle and I’ll be on my way back as something else….

For a while I wanted to be a hippopotamus. They are so big that just about nothing bothers them. They get to lie about and wade in water all day and then carouse at night to feed. Not a bad life… So why are they so mean… Why don’t they count their blessing and chill?

I hate to say this but they can’t chill because they are always pooping in their bath water. How would you feel with a life style like that… My wife farts a lot and that is hard enough but at least she is good humored about it. Not hippos, they take that shit seriously.

……………..

What about Tattoo etiquette. When talking to a person with Tattoos are you required to look them in the eye or can your eyes drift around to read their tats…?

Four hundred million years.

That’s what the man on TV said the other night. I had my eyes glued to the National Geographic channel when the man inside the screen said sharks are four hundred million years old. Come on… Four hundred million years…. Grab your ankles.

Man has only been around for about forty thousand years and look how much he has changed. We were a bunch of runts back then but now we are drinking cow’s milk and eating genetically engineered wheat, corn and barely. We have grown. Our teeth don’t rot. We live longer…. We have changed a lot in only forty thousand years. We stand taller and run faster. So why do we let anyone get away with showing us a picture of a shark and telling us that this very shark has been swimming around unchanged for forty million years…. That doesn’t compute.

Talking Heads: I’m kinda tired of them

The first talking head was the news guy. He would sit in front of the camera reading the news… if we were lucky he broke away for a news clip or another talking head on the scene somewhere… Then that wasn’t good enough…

The Networks needed two talking heads to share the reading…. And then some producer must have thought we in TV land were really bored or totally lacking in social graces so the networks started inviting prominent people into the studio to be contributing talking heads… We must have appeared to be even more bored so the networks encouraged all the talking heads to talk at once… something my mom would have never allowed around the dinner table…

Maybe the guests are paid by the word…. The more incomprehensible the better…

The Editor’s unabashed sales pitch

This cartoon is one of many cartoons featured in any one of four cartoon books published by Books Mango (Bangkok Books)… The books are titled: Up To You Volume I, II, III & IV.

(Volume IV is a cheap come on with fifteen cartoons..) All the other high dollar Volumes are endowed with fifty cartoons.

The books are available online for email download from any bookstore in the world… (That is impressive)

Go to your favorite online bookstore (like Amazon) and type in… Al Reynolds: Up To You and see what happens… you may have to type “cartoons” or” Adult cartoons or “Sleazy cartoons…” The books are available only from email downloads…. (Nobody will know you bought one… that’s just between you and me.)

Thanks for the visit…..

 

 

Early September 2014/2557                                                                         Issue 29

All material in this publication is highly copyrighted by Al Reynolds 2014

Highly Copyrighted Material is material I don’t even know about and beyond.

You want to be a paleontologist when you grow up….. No hurry.

Earth Science: I was scared the first time I heard that the earth was getting smaller… I was in the second grade at the time but it wasn’t as bad as I thought. It was a metaphor; the earth was smaller because airplanes were bigger and faster. Okay, so where is flight 370?

Levels of Happiness: Draw a horizontal line across this page… That line represents normal for you. Write anything that makes you happy above the line and all the things that devour your negative side below the line… If you are always a grump and nothing is above the line split your grumpy moments and draw a line through their median. You see where this is going…. Some people think being grumpy is happy.

………………………………………………………………………………………

Brunch Schedule

The Udon Expats brunch routine is expanding…. The Chef’s Table is the official site for the Club Brunch on Wednesdays….No business is conducted… Monday it is either the Book House or Nobi’s whichever suits…The Good Corner on Friday at 10:00am.

The women have been coming to these Brunches for a while… they gather their own group at our breakfast venue and then walk off to a restaurant around the corner that serves their kind of food. It is our opinion that the ladies really enjoy getting together for these brunches… Bring your lady along.

Dear Editor,

My bes’ girl friend write you guy letter las’ week complain about her boy friend look at her thoot too much when ben’ ober pick up rice. I tell truth now.

Her boyfriend is rich guy from You-Rope. He be look at my thoot all the time not her thoot…. Unner-stand that first thing?

That too much detail, already.

I wan’ to know where all those fifty farang sit aroun’ have beer all time an’ not think problem with watch woman bend over. I expect you in-tro-do me.

Love you all time.

Thop

…

Dear Thop

We are most pleased to make your acquaintance and are most ready to introduce you around. If you’ll stop around the office any day at closing I will be most happy to interview you for a special story I am doing and perhaps, if you are still interested, introduce you to all the men of our interviews…

Sincerely,

Billy, (I’m new to the editorial staff)

 

Isan Love Tap

I enjoy spicy… to a degree…. In Thailand spicy means hot…. Pepper hot… hot comes in degrees…four peppers, five peppers or more… When my wife cooks something that she knows is going to be especially hot she color codes the peppers….

She’ll whisper to me that this is a red pepper meal or a green pepper meal so I’ll know what color is going to bite the most and I can easily find and remove that color until I have reduced the level of hot down to my comfort zone..… This works as long as she is in a good mood.

On a mood day she may throw in all orange peppers along with the sliced and diced carrots… and then most emphatically, in a loving way, tell me today is an Orange pepper day and good luck….

How high is the bar on good looks?

I catch myself glancing at my reflection when I’m out and about… I always seem to look pretty good for my age… of course those glimpses are only a fraction of the whole…. and I’m in motion and dressed in dark to camouflage my payload.

My stride is off too. My head hangs forward and has a tendency to bob in time to my belly when I walk. Going out in public has become a challenge to my ego but I’d rather go through a day in the sunlight than spend a few minutes in front of a full length mirror at home…. I never get naked at home.

It’s all in what you eat.

Getting older doesn’t mean you have to give up sex….You just have to adjust your thinking to understand that arousal is stimulated in different ways when one foot is in the grave. The mention of food does it for me.

Desserts set off my endorphins. The mention of cherry pie is a trip back to memory lane when sex was new, experimental, scary and in the back seat.

Chocolate Mousse is a move toward a candle lit fireplace and decadence on a bear rug.

A banana split means a race to see who is going to get control of the bottom.

Apple pie is almost like having sex while standing and saluting naked. Rather awkward but sex just the same.

There is something about spinach that goes through the roof, eat these veggies and you could wake up naked in a wheat field feeling used, and happily worn out.

Asparagus with Maltaise sauce: More wildness…. Same wheat field, same nakedness but too tired to walk… got’ta crawl out.

Dreaming of three scoops of ice cream with toppings and whipped cream is like thinking of a night alone in front of the fireplace…. Eat your veggies.

……………..

Shallow Thought Section

by Allen Pluvo

FaceBook is so neat. You can post to a million users in a split second…. Then you can delete that message in a split second…What would happen if you posted, deleted, posted, deleted over and over to a million people… Could you burn up a satellite? Make it rain?

Editor’s unabashed sales pitch

This cartoon is one of many cartoons featured in any one of four cartoon books published by Books Mango (Bangkok Books)… The books are titled: Up To You Volume I, II, III & IV.

(Volume IV is a cheap come on with fifteen cartoons..) All the other high dollar Volumes are endowed with fifty cartoons.

The books are available online for email download from any bookstore in the world… (That is impressive)

Go to your favorite online bookstore (like Amazon) and type in… Al Reynolds: Up To You and see what happens… you may have to type “cartoons” or” Adult cartoons or “Sleazy cartoons…” The books are available only from email downloads…. (Nobody will know you bought one… that’s just between you and me.)

Thanks for the visit…..

 

Sometime in Late August 2014/2557                                                  Issue 28

All material in this publication is highly copyrighted by Al Reynolds 2014

Highly Copyrighted Material is material I don’t even know about and beyond.

Bucket List: What happens if you make your bucket list too short? You know, like run out of things to do…. Do you die?

Ten rules for living in Thailand: Don’t get married until you have been here at least two days. The other nine rules don’t count.

FaceBook: A simple way to post ideas as they dribble from the mind.

American consumers: pay their banks more than 17.5 Billion dollars in overdraft fees every year… Tell me again how much you should hate your banker because you don’t have the discipline to control your spending?

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Brunch Schedule

The Udon Expats brunch routine is expanding…. The Chef’s Table is the official site for the Club Brunch on Wednesdays….No business is conducted… Monday it is either the Book House or Nobi’s whichever suits…The Good Corner on Friday at 10:00am.

The women have been coming to these Brunches for a while… they gather their own group at our breakfast venue and then walk off to a restaurant around the corner that serves their kind of food. It is our opinion that the ladies really enjoy getting together for these brunches… Bring your lady along.

Dear Khon Editor,

This be Lek again with ‘nother problem for you fig out.

My farang boyfriend say he from big farm inside Unit States… only this guy know nothing about kill chicken for dinner. Now he say he want be farmer on my lan’. What can I do with man who cannot liff half bag rice?

My boyfriend pretend want be farmer but he only hang around watch me liff heavy rice but never help liff anything for me… he jus’ horny all the time by look at good look woman like me bend over.

How can I make boyfriend help with liff and not look at girl bend over all the time, so much?

Sincerely, for sure

Lek

…

Dear Lek,

We are most appreciative of you taking us into your confidence. Anything we can do to enhance our relationship with you is to our advantage. It is to that end we respond with a great sense of urgency.

We have literally taken to the streets to find the answer to your concerns. At noon we found more than fifty expats around town enhancing their lives with beer Yai. It is these fellows we targeted for our interviews. All the men we interviewed said they enjoy watching women work or just bending over picking things up…. However none could understand your problem nor did any of them want to be a farmer.

Sincerely

The editorial staff….

…………………………………………………………………

A Moment to Reflect

 What if Russia starts a war… or draws us into a war… Can that be half bad?

Look at the bright side. The Russians wear uniforms. For the last twenty years the Americans have been fighting people who have worn dresses into battle. (Some prints you could die for.)

Now we are back to fighting guys who drive tanks, airplanes and use electronic communications, wave their own flag around and eat readymade chow. Are we back in the comfort zone or what!

The End

….

Tennis is a strange sport

Most all sports are either timed or the goal is to score as much as possible. Golf is a sport that rewards doing less instead of more…that is strange in itself but at least the scoring in golf is something you can understand. The guy who does the least wins.

Tennis must have been invented by the bored rich. What other group of people had the time to sit around figuring out really weird ways of scoring games that had to be completed before a match could be won. A game that has no time limit and ties are not allowed… You play until you drop. Boxing isn’t even that tough.

No one really knows from whom the scoring came. What nationality decided the scoring? Nobody wants to take credit…. Tennis uses a scoring system that is so bad it defies new math and can cause Alzheimer in avid players before their fortieth birthday. Two kings have dropped dead from playing. Love that.

 

Can’t Go without a Coffee Story…. Again…

Coffee is now the world’s number one drink… Coffee has surpassed tea which was the afternoon drink of all who inhabited the Great Island Nation of Britain and the exotic regions of the Far East. This went on for a really long time.

I grew up thinking the Brits had something on us because they never let us forget that they held the secret to brewing perfect tea and to serving their tea in a perfect porcelain cup with perfect matching saucer. The ceremony was perfectly timed for the proper time of day. A cookie was added as needed. This apparently passed for high class the world over…..

I fretted about this for years because my family had no porcelain nor did anyone in my family know how to brew, serve, or to sip tea. We didn’t even have the proper cookie… All we had was a sandwiched cookie with the white filling in the center. One twist of the chocolate (artificial) wafer would open the cookie to the filling that was then licked out. Good enough for us but a bit low class for sure.

It was depressing for me to believe America could not compete simply because we didn’t have the proper cup and saucer. So, of course, we Americans invented the low class Styrofoam cup so we could drink our nasty brew on the run. We have been in the lead with our watered down coffee ever since.

…and this rant comes to an end

Editor’s unabashed sales pitch

T his cartoon is one of many cartoons featured in any one of four cartoon books published by Books Mango (Bangkok Books)… The books are titled: Up To You Volume I, II, III & IV.

(Volume IV is a cheap come on with fifteen cartoons..) All the other high dollar Volumes are endowed with fifty cartoons.

The books are available online for email download from any bookstore in the world… (That is impressive)

Go to your favorite online bookstore (like Amazon) and type in… Al Reynolds: Up To You and see what happens… you may have to type “cartoons” or” Adult cartoons or “Sleazy cartoons…” The books are available only from email downloads…. (Nobody will know you bought one… that’s just between you and me.)

Thanks for the visit…..

 

Sometime in August 2014/2557                                                                            Issue 27

All material in this publication is highly copyrighted by Al Reynolds 2014

Highly Copyrighted Material is material I don’t even know about and beyond.

Editor’s Note: If Udonthani is in the North East… why is Chiang Mai in the North? Why not the North West?

New Study: It has been determined that eating dark chocolate can increase your life span by one month….. Wow, that is impressive. Don’t choke on that information.

The Selfie: (sell-fee) a photo of one’s self taken at arm’s length. Also a medical term used to describe mild neurosis or psychosis or a lot of other maladies all of which are displayed at once to an audience of over one billion people on FaceBook.

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Brunch Schedule

The Udon Expats brunch routine is expanding…. The Chef’s Table is the official site for the Club Brunch on Wednesdays….No business is conducted… Monday it is either the Book House or Nobi’s whichever suits…The Good Corner on Friday at 10:00am.

The women have been coming to these Brunches for a while… they gather their own group at our breakfast venue and then walk off to a restaurant around the corner that serves their kind of food. It is our opinion that the ladies really enjoy getting together for these brunches… Bring your lady along.

Dear Editor,

I was one month away from retiring when I told my co-workers I was going to retire to Thailand where I was going to live a robust life from here on out… but that is as far as the conversation got because everyone in the office interrupted me to warn me about Thailand. I was dumbfounded… here I was in a room of Americans, not one of which knew where Vietnam, Cambodia, Borneo or even Australia is and they were telling me Thailand is a bad place. They don’t even know where Disney World is on a cloudy day.

I decided to write someone for advice and here I am consulting your newspaper. Not because of any recommendations, I can Cartoon #1 from Volume I Up to You.

assure you, but because I have

picked you by random from a plethora of Web sites…Yours being the only one not promising me a liberal portion of true love from the moment of arrival.

Maybe you editors are just the guys to put me on the right track. I would like to retire to Thailand… How does one go about accomplishing that? What can I expect? Please get back at the soonest… I retire in one month…

Sincerely

Freddy Frontload

Dear Freddy,

You don’t know how happy we are that you have selected us from a random selection of hodgepodge publications… Your letter is like a few extra pinches of caffeine in our morning coffee of dull dispatches…. A most refreshing picker upper… For you we’ll get right to it…

Don’t worry about details. No one here has come ashore like a blaze of lightening and a storm cloud of happiness as you allude… relax and roll… If our whereabouts is a bit confusing and our life style a bit intimidating may we suggest you first purchase a one way ticket for a safe port in South East Asia somewhere…. After you sort yourself out in say, Kuala Lumpur or Singapore you will be ready to shed your forty years of stored inhabitations with a short flight into Bangkok… From there it will be all downhill.

If on the other hand your first flight takes you to say…… Darwin…. we suggest you return to the states immediately before drinking their warm beer or trying to learn their language. You can start over from Disney Land.

You never mentioned whether you “eat it hot”, drink beer over ice and most importantly if you have considered Isan music as a prelude to good sex? Are you married? Do you have a penchant for male, female, half ‘n’ half or middle of the road. Which one… If your answers are yes, yes, yes, no and undecided maybe you should insist on a one way ticket and fly non-stop direct… Let the fun begin.

Sincerely

Editors at Large

Where did the other half go?

When you married your Thai wife you probably imagined you had lifted her out of a primitive culture and placed her safely onto the pedestal of the western world.

News Flash: Only half of your wife came out of the village to stand on that pedestal. Unbeknownst to you the other half stayed behind in her village.

The part of her that needs gold, a car, a washing machine and a 3D TV easily joined your western way of life but her sticky rice, fermented double dead and putrid fish sauce, dried crickets and floor mats stayed in the village. That is the side she visits often… if not in person then in her dreams.

Now she is forever in limbo… Farang brides are like that… half in and half out…

…………………………………………………………………..Time This

Remember those old days when your mom scolded you for getting home too late for dinner and your excuse was that you were playing with your buddy and you just lost track of time…. And you wondered why your mom was so upset…after all we were only talking about a few minutes here.

Try a million years. That’s what archeologist like to throw around. They know if you weren’t smart enough to know what time dinner went down you won’t know the difference in one or twenty million years. They can talk about finding bones in Africa that are a million or two million years old and you are most likely to swallow without choking.

Archeologists have been doing this for years…. they find bones, then they name the bones and then date the bones (on a dubious machine of their own making)… They follow this up with a “research paper”, are then knighted and promoted to a lofty classroom to teach this bunk until they themselves die…. And we buy into it.

It’s time we call them on this…. A million years is too much.

Yesterday an archeologist was fired for saying he had found a perfect skull of a dinosaur that lived only… And we need a drum roll here… two hundred thousand years ago… He threw a low figure out there that wasn’t even in the archeologist time manual… nothing under a million years is talked about in that manual…. Our offending archeologist missed the cutoff date by a million years. I’d like to buy that guy a cup of coffee if I’m not too late.

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Editor’s unabashed sales pitch

This cartoon is one of many cartoons featured in any one of four cartoon books published by Books Mango (Bangkok Books)… The books are titled: Up To You Volume I, II, III & IV.

(Volume IV is a cheap come-on with fifteen cartoons..) All the other high dollar Volumes are endowed with fifty cartoons.

The books are available online for email download from any bookstore in the world… (That is impressive)

Go to your favorite online bookstore (like Amazon) and type in… Al Reynolds: Up To You and see what happens… you may have to type “cartoons” or” Adult cartoons or “Sleazy cartoons…” The books are available only for email downloads…. (Nobody will know you bought one… that’s just between you and me.)

Thanks for the visit…..

 

Beginning of June… or there about 2014/2557                              Issue 24

Editor’s Note: My wife thinks I am deaf. Last night she hollered from the living room to tell me she had just messed up the chinera…. In one of my helpful moods I asked her to tell me what she had been doing with the chinera so I could figure out what she was talking about. Instead she went into one of those impatient modes and came into my room and got real close to my ear and whispered with emphasis, “Chinera, I messed up the Chinera”.

“What?” I said.

She said with more emphasis, “You deaf, I said Chinera!”

I said, “Camera?”

She said, “yes, Chinera.” And walked off thinking she had proven me deaf.

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Brunch

Monday its’ Nobi’s at 10:00am, the Chef’s Table on Wednesday at 10:00am and the Blue Orchids on Friday at 10:00am.

So far we have solved none of the world’s problems but we are working on it… Join us if you can. We do know what happened to Flight 370.

All material in this publication is highly copyrighted by Al Reynolds 2014

Highly Copyrighted Material is material I don’t even know about.

Dear Sirs,

I read with amusement an article that says Thailand is forth when it comes to amount of booze consumed…. How can this be…? Who did the counting and how was the counting done?

Sincerely

Sid Sidelocke

Dear Sid,

You have peaked our curiosity for sure, Sid. We immediately set about researching for the information we now disseminate.

In a country where most of the natives seem to enjoy the brew of their making and knowing that their volume of drink can’t be tallied without great effort, it surely must mean that the count was made from another source. If one were to count the beer consumed by farangs, over ice or otherwise, then perhaps we have your answer and know why Thailand is among the top four.

This country is overrun with expats and tourist alike who are notoriously famous for drinking, fornicating and not learning a word of Thai… all at the same time.

By counting their empties our office has determined that it is perhaps the Expat who has boosted Thailand’s standings so close to the top that it can be compared with the likes of Russia… We have men in the field as we speak….

Cheers

The Editor

 

Security Based Logic

In a country where everything seems to be locked up and security is a number one paranoia I’m amazed how often my wife can lose her keys in an instant. I understand locking gates and doors is rather new to most folk around here and it wasn’t but just a few years ago when valuables were hidden away in that secret vault between the bed boards (whoops, I’ve given away the national secret.) Well, anyway, everything was hidden and there was no need to lock anything … Now there is.

So the country has gone to lock and key. But it is just too easy for my wife to forget what she did with the key from the time she locked something thru to the moment the key should have been returned to her purse or pocket.

Rather than nag upwind I chose to battle this problem with common sense. Not something that is appreciated in the land of Smiles. But I went out on a limb anyway. I bought her some of those little tabs that give off a noise when they are activated by your cell phone. I figured I had the problem licked but that didn’t work well because she is always forgetting where she left the cell…

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Check me out

Buying mail order pocket watches from Mr. Sears and his partner Mr. Roebuck is what launched the Sears and Roebuck mail order business back in 1893. In a few years the company that started by selling pocket watches to farmers soon had sales that surpassed the Pentagon’s annual expenditures… that is saying a lot… But now the Sears & Roebuck Retail stores have lost their luster and faded as well as the need for men to lug around a wrist watch… Who needs a watch today when an accurate chronometer is embedded in your cell phone, computer, your car dash, your GPS and just about everywhere else you can imagine.

The wrist is where men show off their diamonds and gold now. Learning what time it is by looking to your wrist has become secondary to having a place to wear jewelry. Next men will be powdering their noses.

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Awards Night

Isn’t it time for the Academy Awards again…. Oscar night! Maybe it isn’t the Academy night I’m thinking about…. Maybe it is the Grammy Awards night… or is it Emmy night or perhaps the Graduate Students night… GSA for short… What night is it?

Who makes all this stuff up? We have more Awards nights than we have programming… I’m thinking we need an Oscar night for the best Awards night.

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Radical This

When I was a kid the most radical thing you could do with your body was to be a gymnast. At that sport you could propel yourself on one of those high bars and actually send yourself upside down into the air before doing a flip and a dismounting… That was radical and as far as any of us were concerned that was the extreme end of the envelope.

Today kids propel themselves up to forty feet off the ground and do backward flips with their two hundred pound motor bikes. The real crazy kids do this in the winter with their snowmobiles…

So where is the envelope?

The End………………..Thanks for listening.

 

End of April … or there about 2014/2557                                                         Issue 22

Editor’s Note: Big News…. The Udon Expats Club is producing a movie… maybe I should say we are “making” a movie…. Like you make a baby…The first part is the easy part.

The movie is based on a short story: The Papaya Salad Gang written by Al Reynolds and graciously sold to the Udon Expats Club for an undisclosed but substantial sum of money…

The intent of the movie is to inform new Expats to Thailand through a one hour feature film. A kind of “How to book” with sex, bar girls, good girls and bad girls… houses bought and lost, visa runs made, hospitalization visits endured and marriages lost… and more sex…. The movie will feature all those stumbling blocks we have all bumped into whilst sincerely trying to acclimate ourselves to this land of smiles….

We intend to cast from the club members, their wives and children for all acting parts. We also will have a need for some production big shots as well as a need for people who can hold a microphone or who can pamper one or two of our spoilt actors.

Everyone will eat free from the buffet that will be provided at all shooting venues* The movie will be shot in town and in the country… in hotels, the airport, bars and in the intimacy of the Papaya Salad gang hideout…. It will be a harrowing experience for sure.

More exciting news to follow….

*Editors Note: Reynolds lied about the free food.

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No Nobi’s on Monday, the Chef’s Table on Wednesday at 10:00am and the Blue Orchids on Friday at 10:00am.

So far we have solved none of the world’s problems but we are working on it… Join us if you can.

All material in this publication is highly copyrighted by Al Reynolds 2014

Highly Copyrighted Material is material I don’t even know about.

Phe Editor,

I write this for husband. He too dumb say something or else it because he lock behind door I chase him. He yell me write you about problem. He say you figure thing out. Here go me.

I catch my buffalo husband with young girl than me. He do the wild thing her… I say he cut off now. He think I talk about no more sex for while. I say “No, more important than that. I cut off everything. Feed duck.” That when he lock in room I talk about.

Please Phe Editor, tell husband he lose tool soon almost not move. I warn you him. Unner stand?

You tell husband what up while I go buy two new duck for feed.

Kha.

Yai

…………………

Dear Yai,

My name is Scribe. I am the most recent hire at the newspaper and I have been assigned to address your concerns.

I imagine this is most stressful situation and your proposed actions are fraught with grievances. May I suggest you take a breather and relax some before acting out in haste what your husband will regret more than you can imagine?

I can sympathize with your anger for sure but what you propose to do to your husband sends tremors through to my spin. Even now I am timid and most nervous about being in an office with but one dead bolt least you lose your way and end here while still harboring a frightful state and holding two hungry ducks.

I don’t know if I can be much help. I am recently arrived in Thailand and have a work permit that allows me to write copy, sweep the floor and to make coffee… My permit says nothing about ducks. I imagine any attempt I made at guiding you through life’s little trials and tribulations would put me off my Work Permit and subject me to deportation. Perhaps I am up to correcting your grammar and spelling should you feel the need.

My best to your husband.

Sincerely

Editorial Scribe, Kohn Bruce

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Working Class

If Lady Macbeth has been quoted correctly and really did swear when she said

“Out damn spot! Out, I say!” does that mean she hailed from the working class…

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What does 40 years look like from the inside?

I have two buddies who are in their seventies. Actually I have several buddies who are in their seventies but only two of these old buddies claim to be but 40 years old on the inside. Actually, according to each, it is their doctors who told them that they are substantially younger on the inside than their outside lets on. According to their doctors their innards are as healthy as a normal 40 year old….

So what were they doing visiting a doctor?

 

Who do Thai Women work for?

(As it relates to the CIA)

Contributed By Jimmy Bottleglass

For the worldly; the sober among us, you shouldn’t think this is a trick question but you should think instead; “world intrigue” and that is right where I want you to be thinking.

Thai women live all over the world… I imagine they speak a hundred and forty different languages…. and they mingle. Therefore they are perfect for spy work.

If you want to ignore the fact that they can’t blend in with the locals because of their black hair, cute smiles and the way they walk flat footed across your living room floor you should concentrate on their attributes …. They call back to the village three times a day to talk to their family about their sphere of influence and we don’t have the first idea of what they are talking about. That is a real attribute when you are looking for spy material.

If I were running the CIA, and that wouldn’t be all that bad, because the guys they have working for them now lack a little something in the area of touchy feely clandestine operations. Thai women have what we need. They like to chat and chat and chat. No training necessary.

The End

An Observation from the West

Contributed by Tex Beefalo

In the Western world, people tend to want things to stay the same, and when they do not stay the same they may have midlife crises. A woman may get a face lift, new clothes or have one or more winter flings with boy toys – as much to prove that she’s still got it as for any pleasure in it. In Asia, people tend to accept change: it’s a tenet of Buddhism, of course.

Oh, women still want to regularly apply the expensive western Oil of Olay skin cream, but otherwise change seems almost to be looked forward to. This sometimes seems to be true even to the point of their imagining having betel nut stained teeth.

So what does this have to do with sex? What surprises some farangs about their Thai wives is that this mid life crisis also means the end of sex. (I like to call it retirement from) Oh, I’m not saying that this is exclusive to Thai women. This is, with exceptions to be sure, pretty universal. It’s just that western men have usually heard quit a few stories about older people having lots of sex. So, when they find out that Thai women, who they deem to have such an easy mindset toward sex, kind of look forward to no longer having sex after age 50, many are caught off base (with their pants down – a hardship).

Felongs most often see the mea noi (second wife) as a kind of bane of Thai women; not always. Sometimes the Thai lady will give permission, even suggest it. Thus, my poem:

P oem by Tex Beefalo

Me annoyed when you think sex due,
so I grant you ladies two.
Just so I am number one,
when it comes to money, hon.

Be discreet, don’t brag too much,
don’t let me hear of such.
I don’t want to have to explain,
I don’t want anyone’s distain.

Otherwise, it’s OK;
I’ll try not to act in any jealous way.

©2014 Tex Beefalo

Shipmate

On board ship I was assigned a bunk in a berthing of 125 bunks; one for each sailor. We had 124 blankets assigned to that berthing. One less than needed. That meant each day at one time or another one blanket would be taken off someone’s bunk to be used by another sailor on his bunk. . Being one short wasn’t a big deal because we all slept at different times. While some of us were sleeping others were working… there was always a blanket available on someone’s empty bunk for use on another bunk. In four years no one cared enough about the loss of one blanket to get a new one from the Master at Arms… is that being a shipmate or what?

The End………………..thanks for listening.

 

April 2 or there about 2014/2557                                                                        Issue 21

Editor’s Note: We have no idea where our readership has gone. We have been out and about catching up on other issues… You readers are on your own… A bit cavalier, for sure but the world is falling down around our ears and at times like this we must dive for cover…

The world has become a bit of a frightening place to live. In the States the new buzz word is the electrical grid….” Don’t let the bad guys knock out our electrical grid…” Where I grew up that would be bad. Without electricity our ice cream would melt… all of it. Without electricity we would have to open our windows to fresh air. We would have to crank our own TV for FOX/NEWS. Our world would come to a screeching halt…

Now walk out onto any Thai farmer’s rice field and get his attention for a minute. He won’t mind the distraction…. Ask him how an attack on his electrical grid will alter his life style…. Take a camera… this is going to be precious.

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Udon Expats are throwing some serious money around… we have been eating breakfast out three times a week…. Western, mostly.

Monday its’ Nobi’s at 10:00am, the Chef’s Table on Wednesday at 10:00am and the Blue Orchids on Friday at 10:00am.

So far we have solved none of the world’s problems but we are working on it… Join us if you can.

 

Dear Editor,

I just returned from my buddy’s engagement party and I’m a bit dizzy. My buddy had been asked for a substantial amount of cash and ten Baht of gold as a dowry, which until today I thought was less than a dollar… but no way! To my surprise ten Baht of gold is a unit of measure and not even comparable to bus fare like I thought. It’s a lot more and that is for sure! I had been thinking about getting married until I witnessed this. Anyway, that is not my question.

Maybe if I describe my discomfort you can advise me… While sitting cross legged in the middle of the party with all the attention of the world on this lovely couple my buddy had to drape each necklace around his fiancés neck and each bracelet around his fiancées wrists….until he had all ten Baht weighing his bride down. She couldn’t move afterward. Should I feel sorry for her… what kind of health problems can you imagine she will be made to endure when trying to clean house wearing all that metal.

Sincerely

Limpid Egret Frostmoore III

Dear Limpid

Your given name, Limpid (not to mention; Egret) threw us momentarily. We were most grievously in error thinking you are a London Shadwell having been burdened with such a moniker and wondered why the confusion in reference to weights and measure. We know that no Brit worth his salt, commoner or otherwise would be advanced beyond primary education without a complete knowledge of his tables… Therefore we suspect you are American and are still driving on the wrong side… Henceforth we will talk down to you.

Being American you have missed the point. The dowry and its heavy burden of gold is an expression of commitment that the man shows the family of his intended… Forking out big bucks is a way for the groom to assure the bride’s family that he has good intentions. Or perhaps, as some historians report, the gold is security toward that day when misfortune may visit this love nest and wreck havoc… Theoretically, at a time like that the Mrs. will be able to escape the bonds of her misfortune for a move into more pleasant circumstances with the aid of her most appreciated dowry… At a time like that she will be able to use her gold reserve when perhaps paper money will not suffice… Or perhaps she will simply use her gold to put on a big face whilst partaking of sticky rice around the neighborhood. Either way you can bet a girl that rich will never be caught cleaning the house.

Sincerely

The Editor

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Ferrari vs. Us

By Tommy Tonsil

It has been written by some of those people who write about such things that the first hour a man owns a Ferrari is the most exciting hour of his life but the second hour is the worst hour of his life. It is reported that the excitement of so much engine wears off in an hour after the owner starts looking for those creature comforts he is most accustomed. Like nice suspension, comfortable seats, air conditioning and possibly a sedate cruising speed. The second hour is the realization that this monster must be driven home without power steering. It’s easy to lose that romantic feeling so far from home.

 

Street Crime

By Larry Vilipend

Playing in the street is how we grew up. That’s where we played ball by day and kick the can at night. Later that’s where we were when we learned how to talk girls into sharing their lovelies. I don’t know how dangerous it was to play in the street but that’s what we did and most of us survived. We got honked at from time to time but no one that we knew got run over and if I remember correctly we never lost a ball to the street.

I get the warm and fuzzes any time I try to walk across a street in Udon.

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Come and get it while it is hot.

By Paul Payneful

I have those fond memories of Mother preparing dinner with a goal of serving all the dishes hot and at the same time. I remember Mom saying as she whipped through the kitchen door into the dining room with that big crock of hot mashed potatoes, “Come and get it while it is hot “ That seemed to be the number one goal; to get everything on the table at the same time while all the dishes were still too hot to handle.

I have watched Thai cooking in my home for twenty years and I imagine if you have only watched your lady cook but one time we both share a like moment of wonderment. We could almost be across the fence neighbors with our shared knowledge.

Here cooking is different, first, all the food for the night is taken out of the motor cycle baggage locker and placed on the floor in one big pile. Then everything destined to be cooked is chopped, thrown into a hot wok and cooked at jet speed. After a long minute that food is scooped into a dish and set aside while the little lady starts phase two: The leisurely preparing of all the raw stuff. The stubborn goal here is to serve everything at room temperature in a disarray of order and timeliness. They are always spot on.

Why Do People Wear Tuxedo’s to Blood Sports

By Freddy Froth; Sports Reporter

Have you seen it lately, or have you not noticed? People dress up to watch other people beat other people senseless inside a cage. That’s the big thing now. Two men get inside a chain link fence and pound the daylights out of each other while the spectators on the front row stand no more than a blood splat away yelling and screaming encouragement to one or the other fighter. The ticket holders are dressed in Tuxedo’s or in the case of their ladies…, like foxes.

When I think of blood sport I think of wooden bleachers in the back forty of some farm with torch light instead of klieg lighting. Dogs hollowing somewhere. Maybe a roof over their heads if the weather is threatening. But no fight should be held in the middle of an air conditioned stadium where the best views are on the giant screen hanging only a few feet above the real action on the mats below. It’s a good thing that the only people who are close enough to be bled on are the folks silly enough to wear tuxedos to a blood sport.

The End

 

March 19^th or there about 2014/2557                                                               Issue 20

Editor’s Note: We’re up to eight readers and have received our second valid contribution. Slap my face and wake me up… We’re in thin air. It’s almost like we are high enough to eat Eagle food… so we’ll start Issue twenty with this bit of lifted material we may be sued for using…. As it was told to me I pass it on to you:

I once visited a condom factory in Thailand. This factory had started out making baby bottle nipples, and still made a few. The nipple making machine made a noise that sounded a bit like poop, pip, poop, pip, poop pip as it first formed the nipples and then made a small hole.

Then I was taken to see the lines that made the condoms. These machines made a noise that sounded only like poop, poop, poop, poop. Once in a while I thought I heard a pip. I ask the guide and was told, “Well, we do not wish to go out of the nipple business altogether.

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Udon Expats are throwing some serious money around… we have been eating breakfast out three times a week…. Western, mostly.

Monday it’s Nobi’s at 10:00am, the Chef’s Table on Wednesday at 10:00am and the Blue Orchids on Friday at 10:00am.

So far we have solved none of the world’s problems… Join us if you can.

 

Dear Editor

Am I the only one who married a crazy lady?

Sincerely

Kaufee Fjord

Dear Kaufee,

You have dropped a right hook with that ten word essay of yours. Without the foggiest clue we have passed your letter over to the Detective writing division where we know it will get the attention it deserves.

We may be stepping out on a limb here but we imagine you have recently arrived in country, made a dash through all the dives of Pattaya and instead of settling in a condo in sin city have traveled north where you found the most luscious of brides under some coconut tree (we avoid suggesting you found her in a rice paddy.) and have forthwith married her before she threatened to age even in the least. Are we spot on so far? Should we have said rice paddy?

Now we really venture. When you failed to include any specifics such as crazy in the head or crazy sexual stuff we couldn’t help but wonder if we shouldn’t have your wife in for consultation….with, let’s say wine. With no information we are totally unprepared to offer a diagnosis but shall anyway.

“Crazy is as crazy does” is a quote we have heard more often than we care to remember since signing up for the Gold Premium Cable Package and being subjected to Forrest Gump six times a week during prime time. Quoting Forrest Gump may be your answer.

We suggest you buy the same Gold Premium Cable Package and then sit down to watch the Forrest Gump reruns until you have memorized the movie… we like the part where he decided to stop running the best.

Sincerely

The Editors

The Sun has gone to sleep

Is that bad?

Scientist are saying that our sun is going through a ten year “sleeping “cycle. They report that the nicer softer side of the sun’s activities will bring really cold winters to some places and milder weather to other places….

It has been suggested that Great Britain will be one of the colder spots on earth and Greenland will start to live up to its’ sunny sounding name more so than it has since the last time this happened in the eighteenth century….

Warmer weather in Greenland will probably be classified as harsh weather for those folks…can you imagine them buying Hawaii Bob shirts and Bermuda shorts and having to decide whether to wear white socks with their sandals.

The people in Great Britain will have to decide if they are going to wear their foul weather gear indoors. This sleepy sun is going to cause all kind of problems.

NASA Camera Bugs

By our Science editor: Fred Filmsy

The folks at NASA went to a lot of expense in an effort to bring back the first photos of earth from the other side of the moon… I’m thinking of the photo taken from the orbiter that showed a slice of the moon in the bottom of the frame and showed the earth as a small ball of cloud covered blue in the center of the frame. That photo was a gateway to our imaginations at a time when mere words would not have worked.

That photo had to be taken at the right moment with all lens settings properly thought out. Not an easy task considering that the spacecraft from which the photo was taken was traveling from the back side of the moon at a hefty pace. Those astronauts had but a small window of opportunity to make the photo that blew our minds. The astronauts were good.

Matter of fact the astronauts were so camera savvy that I imagine they went out of pocket just to get the best training they could find and I’m going to say that it was to Thailand they went. I say that without the least bit of knowledge or authority. I just feel that way. Where would you have gone?

I follow the “rule of 10,000”. It has been reported that many of the great people of our time had to put in a lot of time learning their trade before they emerged into the public arena hailed as geniuses. Bill Gates’ success is explained by using the “rule of 10,000”. It is said that he spent more than 10,000 hours on a computer before he developed the software that propelled him into cyber space… You can say the same about Steve Jobs or the Beatles.

In explanation of the Beatles it must be remembered that they played some rough clubs in Germany and in some hole in the wall bar in Liverpool before emerging after 10,000 hours of arduous playing with their musical talent integrated nicely into nice new clothes, and haircuts. They blasted off into the stratosphere shortly after that.

Apply the rule of 10,000 to the astronaut’s photo training in Thailand and you will probably start to buy into my reasoning and understand why the astronauts surprised us all by being such good shutter bugs. Thailand was where the astronauts honed their photo skills with over 10,000 hours behind the lens. They photographed everything that moved or didn’t move, including the real or the imagined with intent to sort fantasy from truth later.

That’s an important hurdle for anyone who is going to lead an accelerated life in Thailand or in the vastness of space. Whizzing by things real or imagined for the first time and not knowing which is real and which is not can be a daunting experience. Most people need about 10,000 hours.

The End