I was center stage in a band of no chords with no discernible semblance of music marching noisily in one direction along a dirt road beneath umbrellas enough to cover the ground all around in shadow except for those times when the holders of those burdens forgot their duties and were off to chat with the shop owners along our route…. Not to mention the fireworks that kept the yapping dogs at bay.
Letter to the Editor…..Should I move back home? …….. January, 2017
Suddenly I am in a dilemma ….. Should I move back home…. should I be off and running back to the America that is going to be great again….?
I’ve lived in the Land of Smiles for years and have become accustomed to their different way but I believe I still have a yearning to mingle with my roots and perhaps play around a bit on a different field….
I could move back in a wink but I have one major concern. Maybe you can help me… or maybe another editor from your office can help me…..
Do they pole dance in the States?
Big Yai Bob of Bon-nok
Dear Big Yai Bob,
You have surprised us with your intentions… It’s almost as if you are moving back with the same amount of poor planning you used to move here in the first place… Even the thought of you leaving your adopted home behind in order to re-enter the hodgepodge of the American continent on a political promise, where laws are haphazardly enforced and zoning laws are most conservative. It has us a bit baffled, for sure, but we will respond by keeping to your main concern…. the Pole Dancer. Primarily because we enjoy talking about pole dancing more than we like to talk about poor planning…..
To that end, we sent four of our editors on a tour of the U.S. to research Pole dancing on American soil. They traveled the Nation and have now reported with thesis in hand…. We have our conclusion.
It must have been a trip indeed. All four bunked in motels that advertised rooms for six when they barely provided room for one…. But we have a dedicated crew and they adapted. They ate plastic sandwiches and plastic fries served in plastic restaurants that are strewn about in every nook and cranny throughout that huge landscape. Regardless, they did return with a report…. and that is what counts.
We Editors have discussed the report and have unanimously decided we just don’t know what you will find in the way of pole dancing in the States…. but being confused has never stopped us from proffering an opinion. Read on.
When pressed, our research team remembered seeing any number of hefty women milling about restaurants and petrol stations throughout their tour. These ladies always had a sandwich in one hand and a poodle held taunt at the end of an imitation red leather leash in the other…
For the sake of this report, they tried to imagine those women as pole dancers, however, that was beyond their job description…. They abandoned further research and have returned home…
In conclusion, we have decided you just need another night out in the Bon-Nok where you can once again be told how sexy you are and be made to believe all decisions are up to you.
Most grateful you called on Us
Late December 2014/2557 Issue 34
All material in this publication is highly copyrighted by Al Reynolds 2014
Highly Copyrighted Material is material I don’t even know about and beyond.
Life is rather hard to do by yourself. You always need someone to tell you when you missed a belt loop.
If the woman you are with is just so absolutely beautiful that you can’t believe your luck… you shouldn’t.
National Geographic is my favorite. They were my favorite when I was a kid because the magazine was mostly photos and not so much text… Then of course, they added color. Then they went into the movie business. The movies have made reporting on nature even better. Now the magazine has a real problem…. It seems that there are too many tourists on site in Africa…. It’s like trying to drive through Disney World to get to the wild animals… how do you film forty-thousand wildebeests crossing a river ahead of the crocodiles without filming tourist in Tilley hats on the far side taking bets …. It’s unfair
The Chef’s Table is the official site for the Club Brunch on Wednesdays….No business is conducted… Monday has become The Irish Clock…and on Friday it is The Good Corner or The T-Bar restaurant at 10:00am
The women have been coming to these Brunches for a while… they gather their own group at our breakfast venue and then walk off to a restaurant around the corner that serves their kind of food. It is our opinion that the ladies really enjoy getting together for these brunches… Bring your lady along.(They compare notes and then all hell will break out when you get home.)
I’ve got a real set up. I imagine a lot of the farangs you know would be envious… I live with my Thai wife and her brother in Thailand for six months out of the year before I scoot back to my home country in time for the delightful spring and summer months. Then I beat a hasty retreat back here six months later when it turns cold at home… It is always nice to get back to Thailand and the warm embrace of my wife who I miss so much. Am I lucky or what?
I only have one problem and maybe you can help. It is my ex’s home in the old country that I return and it is actually to a small bedroom in the back that I settle… The room is nice and cozy and it will do until I find a way to improve my fortunes and I can find a place of my own. Until then I have a problem…. My ex-wife is occupied with a much younger boyfriend and I must say I can hear their social interaction throughout the night. Their racket and thrashing about are a tremendous hazard to a restful night of sleep for me. Do you have any suggestions I can follow?
It is good you cut short your letter of complaint before we lost our concentration. We are easily distracted and were about to ask for a more descriptive accounting of your ex’s “racket and thrashing about.” regardless, we have a solution. Read on.
It sounds like you are in a bit of a pickle and short of funds on both ends of your semiannual trek. Your account of your sparse accommodations in the old home leaves us to wonder what you have provided for your wife and her brother in the way of luxuries back here in the land of Smiles.
To that end the editorial staff took an unsolicited midnight ride out to your village last night. Our purpose was to determine just how well, if at all, your wife and her “brother” are managing in your absence. A public service we provide sometimes.
We would be amiss if we didn’t now report that we heard what must be similar sounds to what you described in your letter as “their racket and thrashing about” coming from your home here in the village, however, and this may just be a cultural thing; we believe the sounds we recorded last night are more in line with unbridled ravenous sex than mere social interaction…. Of course we don’t know for sure because we were at a disadvantage trying to peep through the windows and fighting off the Soi dogs at the same time.
You might want to render your appreciation for travel and get back with us.
Stop by the office upon your return. We would love to play our copyrighted recordings to you over a cup of coffee….
The Editorial Staff…
Why do all the female TV anchors wear skimpy skirts?
Okay I understand being a good looker…. That seems to be a prerequisite. A woman has to be good looking in order to be a TV anchor…and I buy into the short skirts but I don’t buy into the news and short skirt combo at the same time. How are you supposed to remember the news when all you can think about is getting a peep up one of those skimpy skirts?
I practically missed the first gulf war waiting for a peek.
Have you seen what I’m talking about…. It takes a lot of work to concentrate on the news when you are wondering if one of those gals is going to uncross her legs and give all of us in TV land a view… Remember Sharon Stone… I do but I can’t remember a word she said.
I live overseas. My only access to Walmart is through photos of goofy looking Walmart shoppers posted on Face Book….. I’m worried. The photos make it look as though all Walmart stores are filled wall to wall with mangy people masquerading as shoppers. I can’t get my head around that.
I’m having a hard time imagining shoppers showing up in a Walmart, in maybe, Columbia, South Carolina just before Christmas, dressed like Halloween or in Lincoln, Nebraska wearing short shorts, sans underpants in February…
If people showed up in Columbia, South Carolina dressed the least little bit goofy the good folks in Columbia would most likely send them off to church and if some zany folks showed in a Nebraska Walmart dressed like retards without underwear those good folks in Nebraska just might hunt those goofs down with long rifles…
That’s why I don’t believe people in isolated areas are that goofy…. I bet most of the weird shoppers photographed were spotted in heavily populated States like California, Nevada or New York. I also believe that is where zombies come from.
That’s my hypothesis from this side of the Pacific. I could be wrong.
Why can’t you test drive a house
You can test drive a car or a motorcycle but you can’t test drive a house. A house is often the largest investment you’ll ever make. Why can’t you test drive it? Like, move in for a few days… use the beds, air conditioners, check for creaky stairways and such. Wouldn’t that be a good idea?
You can test drive a motorcycle by taking it around the block. You can test drive a car by driving through the city and back to the store. Why can’t you move into a house for a few days? Move in on Monday morning and stay until Friday evening? If you are still in the house on Friday the owner can throw in a little bonus… maybe beer from the refrigerator.
It wouldn’t work because I have friends who would go from one house test drive to another house test drive each week. They wouldn’t have any intentions of buying. Their goal would be to live free which is none of my business.
My only complaint would be not knowing where my friends are on any given Friday night so I can get my free beer.
The Editor’s unabashed sales pitch…. With incredible news:
V olume I,II, III and IV are now available in paperback… that’s right, you’re not limited to email downloads. The real books are available… You can actually hold these suckers and turn the pages. Sales have gone through the roof since the hard copies have been made available… well, actually that is a thatched roof about four feet off the ground… but a roof just the same..
This cartoon is one of many cartoons featured in any one of four cartoon books published via booksmango.com The books are titled: Up To You: Volume I, II, III & IV.
The books are available online for email download or paperback from any bookstore in the world…
I go to Amazon when I want to drool over my own accomplishments and type in… Al Reynolds: Up To You … Some people are amazed. Not all people, but some.
Nobody will know you bought one… that’s just between you and me.
Thanks for the visit…..
January 2015/2558 Issue 35
All material in this publication is highly copyrighted by Al Reynolds 2014
Highly Copyrighted Material is material I don’t even know about and beyond.
An airliner crashed and twenty minutes later the news reported that the results of a poll show that 68% of the people said the airplane was shot down, 21% said the plane hit birds at the end of the runway and 78% said they don’t care. How do they do that?
Who takes the polls? Are polls really taken? Have you ever received a call?
I haven’t. Who does the calling… Who do they call?
I asked my wife a few questions about her nephew and his new fiancée…. I should have been more alert for what came next. In a few minutes I had been told that she works at such and such a place and she stays at home and he works in such and such providence. For the next ten minutes I had no idea my wife was talking about the nephew as a he and his soon to be father in law as another he and the fiancée as a she and her mother as another she… and of course the location of the house, home, and office were one and the same but in different locations.
The Chef’s Table is the official site for the Club Brunch on Wednesdays….No business is conducted… Monday has become The Irish Clock Restaurant and the Good Corner is the Friday morning breakfast spot. Friday at 10:00am.
The women have been coming to these Brunches for a while… they gather their own group at our breakfast venue and then walk off to a restaurant around the corner that serves their kind of food. It is our opinion that the ladies really enjoy getting together for these brunches… Bring your lady along.
I am most light headed…. My wife of twenty years has taken a trip to the far reaches of Thailand… Actually, she has flown to Bangkok and will be gone three days. She left me on my own for the first time in twenty years and I am most puzzled…. I shall describe my puzzlement and ask for your input.
I have discovered right off as I prattled about the house doing what I have always done for the last twenty years that I feel unsure of myself. There is no one here to tell me how to turn on a light or to tell me I don’t know how to pour a glass of water for myself. I found this most disturbing on the first day. On the second day of her absence I was most discombobulated watching TV. I continually expected my viewing to be interrupted by my wife with some question about her good looks or grey hair… because of that I completely lost the movie plot and will be compelled to watch the rerun later tonight if I want to find out what happened to Jason Bourne. I will make the effort…
Does this happen to other fellows… Oh, and one last concern. What should I think of all the neighborhood ladies peeping out their windows at me as I walk about my garden? I like to think they are eye balling me with more than just light switches or glasses of water on their mind. What I see are woman desperate for a sexual encounter with me now that my wife is gone? If their peeping is what I think it is I could be up for something exciting and unbridled in my garden …. What do you fellows think? Should I take the plunge?
Thank you for your letter… it is off pace just enough to give us another reason to imagine living just one more day. Your letter is mite on the cute side and may take some delicate answering for sure. For that we have separated your letter and sent the part about light switches, pouring water and watching TV off to an editor we know who writes for a tear jerk movie magazine. She will soon comment. We on the other hand are most interested in the turmoil you seem determined to place upon yourself with this talk of horny peeping neighbors.
This concern is up our alley so we have assigned our junior editor to the task of dropping by for an interview. You’ll know him, he is the editor who types the school menu and does the obits. He is young enough to believe that the ladies for whom you have spoken are indeed interested in climbing over your fence and into your back garden for any amount of afternoon delight while we on the other hand are old enough to know when your goose is about to be cooked…. It is those very ladies you allude that you should be most shy in inviting over the fence.
It is from sad experience that we report that those ladies with the most beguiling eyes and wonderful smiles are probably at this moment connected with your wife via cell phone and are busy reporting on your behavior either with fact or a story totally made up. We are also old and experienced enough to know you will heed no warning, therefore, we suggest you give them the call….We are imagining something bending over…
The Editorial staff…
To Your Health
I’m doing everything I need to be doing to maintain my health…
I drink water as soon as I get up. I brush immediately to get rid of the bacteria that built up in my mouth overnight and I’m always flossing.
I take my good health concerns to the breakfast table where I portion out the right amount of fiber, protein and those special nutrients found in three almonds and one walnut.
At noon I rebuild what I have used up during the day and by evening I’m perusing the guide books to make sure I haven’t missed any of the important ingredients that will help me live pain free to a hundred… I just hope I have kept enough floss around to hang myself if none of this goes right.
I’ve found a new way to speak Thai.
My brother came for a weeklong visit. Some say he looks like my twin. I mention that because I want the drama to build here… this is a most mundane story that needs some kind of a drama add-on.
I noticed he wasn’t the least bit intimidated by the Thai language. He spoke English where ever he went…. He never once tried Thai and to my amazement people answered him in English every time. When he ordered stuff he got what he ordered. I was most amazed.
I have been walking around the pond in our village for more than a year now. Dusk is always a good time to be out and about if you want to run into local folk… Today I put my brother’s method to use.
There was a lady pouring oil into the engine of her car. I decided to try my English on her; I asked “Feeding your Car?”
She stopped, turned and laughed… “Yes,” she said and then added, “Nice morning to be walk.” I was most amazed.
I said, “Hello” to the next person I walked by.
He said, “Hello, wife not walk with you today?” Wow. Am I on to something?
Who wrote your last Virus Attack?
Not so long ago some guy invented the traffic radar and sold a lot of them. Then unbeknownst to but a few people this same guy invented the fuzz buster and sold a lot of them. After that he invented the second generation radar and of course he sold a lot of them and then he invented the second generation fuzz buster and sold a heap of them… the guy was a genius…
Until recently I have imagined that there were three maybe four deranged people sitting around the world in dark damp basements writing viruses for your computer and it was these guys who we are afraid.
Now, I’m thinking. Who would want viruses turned loose on the world more than anyone else? Wouldn’t that be the guys who write and then sell virus protection?
Ever notice how a divorce defines the kids…. Suddenly you are so totally mad at your spouse that you need a divorce and the first thing you are going to do is fight over the kids whose blood is fifty percent of the jerk you are divorcing…
Suddenly those half jerk kids are one hundred percent your sweet tolerant self…
Have you ever wondered why you were divorced?
The Editor’s unabashed sales pitch
This cartoon is one of many cartoons featured in any one of four cartoon books published by Books Mango (Bangkok Books)… The books are titled: Up To You Volume I, II, III & IV.
( Volume IV is a cheap come on with fifteen cartoons..) All the other high dollar Volumes are endowed with fifty cartoons.
The books are available online for email download from any bookstore in the world… (That is impressive)
Go to your favorite online bookstore (like Amazon) and type in… Al Reynolds: Up To You and see what happens… you may have to type “cartoons” or” Adult cartoons or “Sleazy cartoons…”
News Flash…. The books are
Now available in paperback same day mailing…. Delivery probably takes a little longer.
Just select “Paperback” when
You place your order.
Thanks for the visit…..