End of April … or there about 2014/2557 Issue 22
Editor’s Note: Big News…. The Udon Expats Club is producing a movie… maybe I should say we are “making” a movie…. Like you make a baby…The first part is the easy part.
The movie is based on a short story: The Papaya Salad Gang written by Al Reynolds and graciously sold to the Udon Expats Club for an undisclosed but substantial sum of money…
The intent of the movie is to inform new Expats to Thailand through a one hour feature film. A kind of “How to book” with sex, bar girls, good girls and bad girls… houses bought and lost, visa runs made, hospitalization visits endured and marriages lost… and more sex…. The movie will feature all those stumbling blocks we have all bumped into whilst sincerely trying to acclimate ourselves to this land of smiles….
We intend to cast from the club members, their wives and children for all acting parts. We also will have a need for some production big shots as well as a need for people who can hold a microphone or who can pamper one or two of our spoilt actors.
Everyone will eat free from the buffet that will be provided at all shooting venues* The movie will be shot in town and in the country… in hotels, the airport, bars and in the intimacy of the Papaya Salad gang hideout…. It will be a harrowing experience for sure.
More exciting news to follow….
*Editors Note: Reynolds lied about the free food.
No Nobi’s on Monday, the Chef’s Table on Wednesday at 10:00am and the Blue Orchids on Friday at 10:00am.
So far we have solved none of the world’s problems but we are working on it… Join us if you can.
All material in this publication is highly copyrighted by Al Reynolds 2014
Highly Copyrighted Material is material I don’t even know about.
I write this for husband. He too dumb say something or else it because he lock behind door I chase him. He yell me write you about problem. He say you figure thing out. Here go me.
I catch my buffalo husband with young girl than me. He do the wild thing her… I say he cut off now. He think I talk about no more sex for while. I say “No, more important than that. I cut off everything. Feed duck.” That when he lock in room I talk about.
Please Phe Editor, tell husband he lose tool soon almost not move. I warn you him. Unner stand?
You tell husband what up while I go buy two new duck for feed.
My name is Scribe. I am the most recent hire at the newspaper and I have been assigned to address your concerns.
I imagine this is most stressful situation and your proposed actions are fraught with grievances. May I suggest you take a breather and relax some before acting out in haste what your husband will regret more than you can imagine?
I can sympathize with your anger for sure but what you propose to do to your husband sends tremors through to my spin. Even now I am timid and most nervous about being in an office with but one dead bolt least you lose your way and end here while still harboring a frightful state and holding two hungry ducks.
I don’t know if I can be much help. I am recently arrived in Thailand and have a work permit that allows me to write copy, sweep the floor and to make coffee… My permit says nothing about ducks. I imagine any attempt I made at guiding you through life’s little trials and tribulations would put me off my Work Permit and subject me to deportation. Perhaps I am up to correcting your grammar and spelling should you feel the need.
My best to your husband.
Editorial Scribe, Kohn Bruce
If Lady Macbeth has been quoted correctly and really did swear when she said
“Out damn spot! Out, I say!” does that mean she hailed from the working class…
What does 40 years look like from the inside?
I have two buddies who are in their seventies. Actually I have several buddies who are in their seventies but only two of these old buddies claim to be but 40 years old on the inside. Actually, according to each, it is their doctors who told them that they are substantially younger on the inside than their outside lets on. According to their doctors their innards are as healthy as a normal 40 year old….
So what were they doing visiting a doctor?
Who do Thai Women work for?
(As it relates to the CIA)
Contributed By Jimmy Bottleglass
For the worldly; the sober among us, you shouldn’t think this is a trick question but you should think instead; “world intrigue” and that is right where I want you to be thinking.
Thai women live all over the world… I imagine they speak a hundred and forty different languages…. and they mingle. Therefore they are perfect for spy work.
If you want to ignore the fact that they can’t blend in with the locals because of their black hair, cute smiles and the way they walk flat footed across your living room floor you should concentrate on their attributes …. They call back to the village three times a day to talk to their family about their sphere of influence and we don’t have the first idea of what they are talking about. That is a real attribute when you are looking for spy material.
If I were running the CIA, and that wouldn’t be all that bad, because the guys they have working for them now lack a little something in the area of touchy feely clandestine operations. Thai women have what we need. They like to chat and chat and chat. No training necessary.
An Observation from the West
Contributed by Tex Beefalo
In the Western world, people tend to want things to stay the same, and when they do not stay the same they may have midlife crises. A woman may get a face lift, new clothes or have one or more winter flings with boy toys – as much to prove that she’s still got it as for any pleasure in it. In Asia, people tend to accept change: it’s a tenet of Buddhism, of course.
Oh, women still want to regularly apply the expensive western Oil of Olay skin cream, but otherwise change seems almost to be looked forward to. This sometimes seems to be true even to the point of their imagining having betel nut stained teeth.
So what does this have to do with sex? What surprises some farangs about their Thai wives is that this mid life crisis also means the end of sex. (I like to call it retirement from) Oh, I’m not saying that this is exclusive to Thai women. This is, with exceptions to be sure, pretty universal. It’s just that western men have usually heard quit a few stories about older people having lots of sex. So, when they find out that Thai women, who they deem to have such an easy mindset toward sex, kind of look forward to no longer having sex after age 50, many are caught off base (with their pants down – a hardship).
Felongs most often see the mea noi (second wife) as a kind of bane of Thai women; not always. Sometimes the Thai lady will give permission, even suggest it. Thus, my poem:
P oem by Tex Beefalo
Me annoyed when you think sex due,
so I grant you ladies two.
Just so I am number one,
when it comes to money, hon.
Be discreet, don’t brag too much,
don’t let me hear of such.
I don’t want to have to explain,
I don’t want anyone’s distain.
Otherwise, it’s OK;
I’ll try not to act in any jealous way.
©2014 Tex Beefalo
On board ship I was assigned a bunk in a berthing of 125 bunks; one for each sailor. We had 124 blankets assigned to that berthing. One less than needed. That meant each day at one time or another one blanket would be taken off someone’s bunk to be used by another sailor on his bunk. . Being one short wasn’t a big deal because we all slept at different times. While some of us were sleeping others were working… there was always a blanket available on someone’s empty bunk for use on another bunk. In four years no one cared enough about the loss of one blanket to get a new one from the Master at Arms… is that being a shipmate or what?
The End………………..thanks for listening.