Editors’ Note: We editors are bashing our heads together in glee again…. Another month of this News paper business has brought us one more confirmed reader. We are back up to five and as I said we are completely out of control with happiness.
We lost one reader with our name change…. Changing our name to Soi Farang News was like scraping chalk across the black board for some… The letters poured in admonishing us of our spelling mistake… It is said by those who live in the northeast and are powerless to argue with their wives that Farang is spelled…f-a–l-o-n-g and not f-a–r-o-n-g as we spell it…. The proper spelling can be argued to the horizon if one chooses to do so but we are in the writing mood and not the arguing mood…. We will push on. We hope you are most inspired by our contributions and read all the way through…. (even tackle some of the big words.)
Table of contents:
Letters to the Editor
Five new cartoons for your viewing pleasure. Interspersed throughout this fantastic publication. Our five regular readers will appreciate the more robust size given to these most apropos cartoons.
Short Circuit: Keeping it Short…. Opinions, Observations, and Short reads just to get you started.
Space Cadet………………………………… 376 terrifying words
Nuclear Power: Do we need it………..215 words….
Is it Polite……………………………………225 words
Restore That!………………………….235 words
Epic Tale III… a thousand word read filled with historical data, keen insight into Thai culture all woven into a spell binding story of Epic proportions You won’t soon forget. Fiction of course.
Letters to the Editor
I went to my first Thai bar last night and I must say the end results are great! The young lass I met there is still with me and if you like I will describe her to you in naked detail as soon as she steps from the shower. But first I have a concern.
My date was the first young lady who came to my table and she remained with me throughout. It was like we were glued together. Whenever I needed another beer or she needed another lady drink she took care of it. So after a few hours and after we had fallen in love I discovered that I had to pay to take her out of the bar.
I asked my date the why withal about this charge and she said I had to pay the fine because while she was gone there would be one less girl to get drinks for the other guys…. I’m like “Duh” thinking there are more girls here to take care of beer and Lady Drinks and her absence wouldn’t be noticed… I was confused, anyway, I paid and we were soon off and tumbling at my hotel.
Can you explain the bar fine to me. You do that and I’ll send you a naked photo of this gal… top shelf…
Rodney Reese Pendent
We imagine if you looked the bar owner in the eye and asked that question your answer would differ slightly from the answer we as a collection of editors would put forward. We have all paid the fine and perhaps I have paid the most because it seems I have drawn the long straw and have been selected as your editor of note. Apparently I have been given final say.
Maybe of most import is that you were able to escape the confines of a stifling bar to a more comfortable environ with your new love and it was at your place that you both enjoyed a roll and tumble in your bed resplendent in its’ redolent reminders that you have paid a bar fine and are now deeply in love. Congratulations.
Back to the issue of a bar fine; I have not the foggiest. Some say good looking woman are employed not so much to fall in love with you as much as they are supposed to look like a blooming flower to a passing bee. The idea is to get the bees inside to sniff the flowers and to buy a few beers.
What the lady manages to sell on the side after a few beer sales is not the concern of the bar owner but it is his concern that he have enough flowers to attract enough bees to turn a profit from beer sales. If your good looking girl leaves and takes her charming peddles away from the bar the bar owner has lost one arm of his sales force… Your bar fine is said to make up for imagined lost profits.
This talk of money in such small denominations should be the least of your concerns. We imagine that by now you are inside a gold shop anxiously drafting another letter on your iPad asking what is the right amount of gold to buy or you are in a shoe store on the fourth floor of a mall and you are starting to think that maybe the bar fine is the least of your worries… Don’t forget the photo.
I just finished building a home for my lady. The end product differs slightly from my original plans… I ended up with four bedrooms and four baths instead of one bedroom, one bath. It has two floors now instead of the one but I am rather proud of my accomplishment. If I deem it important enough I will soon have my wife add the back yard swimming pool she has started to talk about.
I have no complaint and I seek no advice I was just wondering if I could use your paper to pass on word of my good fortune to your readers and perhaps solicit a reply or two from the ones this letter has touched the most: Perhaps I can offer an interview or at the very least, provide a quote or two your readers would cherish.
We can barely contain ourselves. I’m not sure if anyone from the editorial staff was sitting around just waiting for a letter such as yours…. so full of its’ own hot air that we could have floated two cups of coffee without effort. Surprised is not the word for it, however, we are a non prejudicial lot and now reply.
We are most impressed that you expressed yourself so well in less than two hundred words and even more impressed that you have built a mansion without problem one. You surely must be standing atop a mound feeling most virile. This information, after it passes our rigorous examination, will be passed on to our seven confirmed readers… you can be sure of that.
Until then we must remain most suspicious and ask your forgiveness until we have examined that lofty place from which view your world. In our business of reporting we cannot afford not to be frugal in matters of the truth. So we must investigate. If what you say even closely mimics the truth we will be most happy in scheduling a T.V interview or perhaps your own T.V. network to say nothing of a lowly sound bight of an interview.
Our investigation will begin as soon as I can stop my fellow editors from rolling around on the floor.
P.S. Even if we find your story chocked full of holes we would like you in for an interview… LOL
My wife has just completed a total rebuild and I just want to tell you she looks ravishing! Her new boobs, nose, eyebrows and hips have brought a new dimension into our marriage…. And now, just between you and me, I feel like I am getting two for one in issues of the bedroom. A kinky thought I’m sure but so true.
Life with my new wife is so much better now that she has been realigned that I am thinking of going under the knife for the same sort of nip and tuck. I imagine if the two of us looked like Hollywood stars we would be the envy of Udon…. What do you say? Should I have a little surgery?
We are already most envious of your little ladies new looks. To say we aren’t slobbering over her enclosed photo would be an understatement; however, we are taking your request for an opinion about surgery very seriously.
We have a major concern. We can imagine that your wife is probably toying with middle age… most likely on the low side of middle age or maybe she is just a hair over adolescents and you are probably past due for a Windows 98 upgrade.
Elective surgery for you would be more like fitting an old Chrysler with a new BMW grill… A front on vision would conjure up emotions of wild roads to be driven for sure, but any glance along the rusty side panels and drooping under carriage would go a long way to convincing onlookers that your best Hollywood days were spent climbing out of the California tar pits. We suggest not having the elective surgery. We hope our honesty will in no way preclude you from sending more photos of your new wife.
In my youth my family lived down the street from the guy who was to teach the first seven astronauts how to survive in a Panamanian jungle if they were unlucky enough to land their by mistake.
Because of our family ties and nothing else, we kids were given a tour of his class room which was a huge, really huge fenced in area deep in the jungle. His cage was so large that no one could see from one side to the other and so high that the wire mesh used for the ceiling enclosed whole trees and was sealed at some great distance from the ground.
Our friend had loaded his class room with every creature he could find… there was an ant eater, many snakes, birds, scorpions, a sloth, animals big and small, wet and dry. While we were inside an ant eater meandered by and to show us a sloth up close and personal he had to take great patience in untangling that creature from the tree branches the sloth was determined to hang onto…I learned a lot in a few minutes. Imagine what the astronauts would have learned especially when they were made to live in the jungle on their own for three days… That was just one smidgeon of the training needed to be an astronaut in those days.
Back then you had to be a top gun jet pilot or more just to be considered. On top of that you also had to agree with Einstein on some of his theories of relativity and to be able to show your work on a chalk board before you could hitch onto a free ride into space. Being able to fly and be smart at the same time was prerequisite number one.
Not anymore. Today just about any civilian can ride to the edge of space if they have the cash. That’s you and me I’m talking about. We can make our reservations with Virgin Galactic and plunk down the big bucks for a short ride up to where our world ends and space begins… Is it worth it?
You get to wear astronaut wings when you get back. Now tell me it wouldn’t be worth it.
Nuclear Power, Do We Need It.
After World War II we were all told that the world was going to put the nuclear Genie back in the bottle for a reload and that the new product was going to be good cheap, clean and harmless nuclear power…. We bought into this and those who could went about building nuclear power plants wherever they could find water enough to cool the reactors. Even the Japanese who had a firsthand knowledge of nuclear backlash fell for the bait and built themselves a passel of nuclear plants all along every one of their coast lines…
So far the world has witnessed two nuclear plants self destruct with devastating results. How far are we away from another self destruct? Your guess.
We have short memories… Remember what you said after your first divorce… something like “Never again.” And then as though you had never had the experience you married again. You can’t divorce nuclear power and walk away.
I can compare that failed marriage and remarriage to nuclear power. It costs a lot to build a nuclear facility, it cost a lot to operate a nuclear facility and then finally, a marriage takes a lot of intuitive maintenance you can‘t divorce yourself from nuclear power because it’s more than a marriage.
297, 302, 226, 217, 215
Is it Polite
Contributed by Freddy Frames
Growing up my Mom always wanted to know about the new girls I had been talking to. She wanted to size them up right off the cuff…. Talking to or dating and especially marrying the right girl with the right background or pedigree as she called it, was most important. Mom put so much emphasis on the background checks that I found myself second guessing what I was doing before I thought about asking a girl if she had an extra pencil or if I could copy her homework. The idea that I might get entangled with a girl just because I borrowed her pencil was a serious consideration. It was rough knowing whatever I brought home would be scrutinized for a good blood line or possible breeding.
In Thailand it is just the opposite… you never ask a man where he met his wife and if he ventures to tell you on the sly or when you are in a crowd of men that he met his wife at a tailors shop you must suspect he is lying. Too bad this is so.
I would enjoy hearing stories about guys meeting their brides alongside a pole for dancing or after they had frolicked and had a good gold buying expedition….I would like to compare notes.
It’s all In the Finger
The following information is rather inconclusive.
Having your prostate examined in Thailand may not be as all inclusive as having a digital exam performed by say, a basketball player back in the States who might happen to double as a doctor of proctology and be able from time to time to actually touch your prostate.
Who was on the Titanic?
Who did we lose on board the Titanic? Someone, had they survived, would have changed the world?
My brother was late for a flight out of New York many years ago. He told me later that he tried every which way to get on the flight but couldn’t… and then the flight ran off the end of the runway and plunged into the bay. A lot of people died but my brother who was stranded back in the warm terminal survived. So far my brother hasn’t accomplished anymore than I have.
Who among the dead was about to accomplish greatness? I’m looking for the guy or gal who could have given us something different or great but never will and we will never know. I can’t help but wonder how the world would have changed if the soldiers killed during World War II would have been able to come home. Who among them would have found a cure for cancer already or been the great politician we all need so desperately. What would have happened if those who didn’t survive had survived?
Epic Tale III
Editor’s Note: Last month’s epic tale was only a painful thousand words in length and this month we are springing more than fifteen hundred words on you. Quite a Challenge…. But the editorial staff believes you are up to the read…. The tale comes with an intermission at the mid way point… don’t get caught up in the cartoon so much as to forget your place and mindset that is so important to understanding this Tale.
The White Knight and his Lady
Rask Loki, (not his real name) a fine fit of a man from the area of the far north that is separated from mainland Europe by the foreboding north sea and other oil bearing cold water; where men are said to be made more solid than hollow, more stout than stout and for those in the know and for other’s to only conjure, a man rumored to be well endowed, more so, than the average man, was on his way to town.
We are talking about a man so far into latitude of measure that gentle ladies of Thailand are still so unknowledgeable in their geography as to attach a nomenclature to such distance. Only because he was soooooo different he was henceforth called, in solemn tone by the ladies as the man from You-rope Or Kuhn Nordic to their friends, well, Kuhn Nodic, for sure.
Kuhn Nordic arrived by airline and found his way to the holiday making we all are familiar by a speeding conveyance just as we all have. Within his very first twenty minutes in town Kuhn Nordic entered his first bar and took in the wonders of choreographed pole dancing. He was smitten like we all were.
From her pole position Moo-prutsa-paa Singtho better known as Yai gazed upon this huge god like creature who had just entered the bar through the front door. She Started her examination of this creature from the top of his full head of wavy blond hair and blue eyes onto his pale skin that she could see was covered in layers of cotton yarn sewn so delicately and with so many brilliant colors that at certain angles and under certain light of viewing she started to wonder if she wasn’t witnessing a handsome giant wearing a silken robe of the finest design, something made in say, Udonthani.! A chill ran up her naked back. Is this guy an expat? She worried, almost out loud.
Another quick look by the beautiful maiden Yai into this man’s silly face and another examination of the weave of his garment told her on her second and more meticulous examination that this man was indeed a White Knight: a newbie ready for plucking, not a seasoned Nordic pillager.
What a relief, for a moment Yai thought Kuhn Nordic was an expat.
Within minutes and by the skillful use of her repertoire of smiles and after only four lady drinks Yai led this handsome giant off the floor and into an upstairs room where their clothing, regardless of origin, fell from fleshy constraints and mingled as one as it landed on the floor in a heap.
Only two people know for sure what happened in that small, really small room to ignite love so true… or at least give the impression thereof. Perhaps Yai did truly fall in love in such a short time or perhaps it was only Yai’s improvisation and fine acting skills that convinced the budding White Knight, Kuhn Nordic to believe true love had been spawned. Either way, it was an Oscar moment for both. For it was our hero who believes it was the unsheathing of his weapon of Nordic lore and his ability to put such things to good use that brought about all amount of screaming and moaning that is often mistaken for the sound of true love seized… and not some improvisation.
Either way, it was but a day hence that the two love birds decided to bar fine and get away from the chrome poles of Walking Street for two weeks of heady passion in the Up-North of Yai’s village. They availed themselves of the best transport available and were off.
The teller of this tale would find himself amiss if at this point in the telling, it was not mentioned that this wonderfully tall and beautiful Yai looked an awful lot like your old girl friend. But that is of no matter. We have other things to mention and points to make.
As the tale progresses, we find that Kuhn Nordic and his fair maiden Yai have made two decisions of considerable import. They have decided to marry and the second decision is to forgo a city hall wedding with its’ silly and cumbersome record keeping in favor of a speedy face saving wedding in Yai’s village.
It must be admitted; for accuracy and to fairness to all who read this story, now told second hand and possibly with a bit of accuracy abandoned, that Kuhn Nordic was still in a fog of spent emotion and under the hammer of jet lag when he failed to truly understand his role in the upcoming village wedding and how life after the wedding would adjust his life, somewhat in matters of wealth.
Too say at the moment, the groom was unaware is an understatement. Having failed to understand most of what had been explained to him in broken or really fractured English by his lovely fiancée, only moments before entering the village and still at a disadvantage in things clear headed, and passions unrequited, this handsome man let pass by his clouded mind one really important detail….
The detail of which is the following: The handsome groom, the man picked to cohabitate with lovely Yai for life given eternal will be expected to spring for all expenses. That’s it. No further rules apply.
Editors Note: (To dispatch those duties with good cheer is the very essence of being a White Knight.)
It appeared as though the couple’s arrival into the village put more people to sleep than it awakened. Other than a few kids looking up from worn comic books and a few wild dogs changing position in the middle of the street nothing much happened until Yai opened her purse and dashed celebratory coin and paper money into the air. Her relatives poured out of their homes to greet the engaged couple.
Finally after all were assembled Kuhn Nordic was introduced to all brothers, other blood relatives and strangers alike. Happy salutations were exchanged and greetings of joy were shared with the new guest. (Actually, everyone just waaied in all directions at once.)
The undocumented wedding ceremony went off without a hitch and Kuhn Nordic was not hindered in anyway whilst he started to do his one duty according to the rule. He paid and paid for food and more food. Then he paid for more food most of which he noticed, was carted off to other homes in the village, or so it seemed. Some of the food didn’t make it that far, it was just carted off between houses and sheds that surrounded the area and somehow placed in dark holes or otherwise places where it was certain to remain hidden. A curiosity to Kuhn Nordic.
Then beer was brought in and guzzled. That given out; spirits of questionable origin were brought in and poured into vessels of various sizes for all to consume. Again no one hindered Kuhn Nordic when it came time to proffer payment.
Near evening when it looked as though the things most consumed had managed to take over the souls of all those who had so enthusiastically imbibed, the evening took a harmonious turn… a band… well, a group of bandits who blew and snorted upon instruments of questionable merit that were hooked to machines that could surely trumpet sounds for kilometers at decibels never imagined were brought in and placed at the hosts feet. Payment was made. There soon after, young dancing girls…. no, really young dancing girls, in makeup applied by spatulas were led onto stage where they started to dance in the most un-choreographed and unsophisticated way. Kuhn Nordic made payment again.
The music brought new life to the party. Those who had been slumbering awoke. Those who had been awake moved awkwardly in their chairs at a pace only slightly more enthusiastic as those who had been asleep.
With life brought back into the celebration all those previously asleep and all those sluggishly awake examined their inventory of drink and found it wanting. Their glasses were empty. Not a good sign. They all cast jaundiced eyes toward the host in an effort to communicate their concerns. There is no language barrier where politeness is concerned: the message was not lost on the host. Kuhn Nordic.
Having learned a good bit of this Thai language in the last few hours Kuhn Nordic simply smiled at his guests and all tensions fell through assorted baggy pant trousers and tumbled onto the sandy floor over bare feet metaphorically speaking. More booze was ordered. It was a moment to be witnessed for sure.
It was perhaps eight hours later at a distance from the band where clear thought could be challenged and the evening almost exhausted that Kuhn Nordic suspected circumstances were such that perhaps someone had conspired to hijack the coming of dawn and to hold it for ransom. Not a religious man but almost broke, Kuhn Nordic turned east and prayed for sunrise.
A “Thank You” to our Readers
This issue of Soi Farang News is the third issue into our second year of monthly publications. We are overwhelmed that we have come so far… we are expecting our first law suit any minute.
For those who read carefully what we posted and who anticipated a follow up test at this end may have noticed that this publication has veered somewhat… we have started taking up international issues where we once concentrated on Thai culture and Thai adventures only….That is because, after great debate, we editors realized that we had covered almost all the Thai / Farang issues and had placed ourselves in the breech of boredom by repeating ourselves too often…. We have taken up the international stuff not so much because there is always something new to report but because the daily news by itself has a tendency to repeat itself at its’ own expense and that helps clear our conscience when we cover the same mundane issues over and over. We of course will kick it up a notch and mislead in our reporting at every opportunity.
We again bow low in humble adulation.