Editors Note: Notice right away that this issue is chocked full of cartoons….four fat cartoons instead of the normal two. That’s our way if saying thank you to our legion of five full time readers. Considering that each picture is worth a thousand words you guys will need another cup just to get through your January issue. Happy New Year.
As an added Bonus: This month we are brazenly offering for sale Volume I thru Volume IV in the Up To You series of cartoon books by Al Reynolds. You will find a link to your buying pleasure beneath each of the cartoons featured in this issue…. E-book sales for now… soon it should be hard cover and then some sort of Pulitzer Prize after that. Thanks.
I have an advanced degree in Business Administration (Harvard) and until recently thought I understood the world of business fairly well, however, I have come up against a real stonewall here and could use some advice. Six days ago my wife with all of a sixth grade education (if she is telling the truth) suggested I give her some small money so she can turn it into big money. She wants to sell noodle soup.
When I asked her to show me her prospectus she got mad thinking I was accusing her of having a nose job. All conversation in our home has ceased.
How much is small money and what would be a fair return on that?
Milt (Harvard class of ’86)
You might be asking the wrong people here. Of the three people working this office only one has held a job before. We are crazy about money but have not a clue. However, we asked the guy who delivers the cooking gas for his insight. We aren’t sure if he can read but he sure has opinions.
He said farangs cannot know about money because…. “They come over here and after only one night of butterfly end up buying half the gold in Udon, a moto-sigh, car, and house. How can farang know where little money end and big money begin?” He also said he is monogamous and only butterflies on occasion.
We are sorry to come up short in the advice column when you are under so much stress and in need of good advice, however, we editors would like to know where this noodle shop is so we can take a look at that new nose.
My wife, Pong goes out almost every night and doesn’t return until dawn. Do you know where she goes?
Sincerely in advance
How fortuitous we have information about your lady. Your little woman has been stepping out on you. We don’t mean to be so direct and perhaps harsh but we are in a hurry to get to the good part. We are anxious to blow our horn about the things we have been doing and it seems your wife is right in the midst of it. Hang on; we’ll get to her but first more about us.
A famous Anthropologist has been in Udon researching Thai smiles… and you guessed it….how that smile relates to sex. (You’ve been there.) Our editorial staff has been involved with this study… well, we have been more like the professors sounding board than learned associates but we can dream. The professor has been visiting our office almost every afternoon for free coffee and a chance to blow off steam. He often regales the editorial staff with stories about his research.
You have got to be proud. Your little lady has more often than not been featured prominently in the stories the professor shares. The good news is that your wife will be coming home soon. The professor is dead.
Darrell, we are sending you a copy of the following letter to the Editor so you can be just as apprized as we. This is a moment for sure…. the following letter will bring you up to date. Glad we could help.
The Editorial Staff
It is with the greatest of concern that I write this letter. We have lost a professor to the outback of Thailand and are in hope that you can help us find our missing professor; a one Dr. Frederic R. Farmoothe IV. PHD of Anthropology and Dr. Psychology PHD; South Beach Rocky Knoll University (St. Mary on the Marsh Campus )
Short History: Dr. Farmoothe traveled to Thailand on a five year fellowship grant some six years ago and has not been seen or heard from since. His application for fellowship stated he would be writing a thesis on his research into the unique smile of the Thai woman and that he intended to learn how that smile can mesmerize even the most stoic of witnesses… He promised a most complete learned paper suitable for publication. We expected to have heard from the professor a while back but so far no news. We suspect the worst.
Confidential Information: We have included pertinent information under cover of a separate transmission. Will your office get right on this? The professor was last reported in the area of Udon.
Counting on you, Sincerely
p.p. James P. Gopher
Dr. Pithy C. Moore, Dean of Academic Study; South Beach Rocky knolls University, St. Mary on the Marsh Campus
Dear Dr. Pithy C. Moore
It is with delight that our editorial staff reports having found your lost professor. We have good news, more good news, bad news, Bad News Good News, Bad News and Bad News. We will go slowly.
Good News: We knew where your professor was all along. He was known to us as the Educated Guy and to the bar girls as the Sue-Preem Butter-Lie.
Good News: We debated here in the editorial staff office if we should pretend ignorance and say we have never heard of the professor but would give it our best search. It was our tainted belief that we should hold out for a reward or at least expense money of some kind. The good news is that we have shelved that selfish concern.
Bad news. The professor ran out of money more than a year ago and has been sponging off us by selling our Drama editor on publishing his four or five hundred word dribbles as fast as he can write them. The sales have kept him in beer money and into his research while our writing staff has fallen to the slack side of generating anything original to fill the spaces now occupied by Frederic’s dribble.
Bad News: The professor is dead.
Good News: He left a note.
Bad News: What will you pay to have him back?
Bad News: We keep his journal.
239 See attached: (cartoon)
Deceased: Frederic R. Farmoothe IV ; alias, Educated Guy and
Sue-preem Butter-Lie. Age 60,
The following note was found taped to Dr. Frederic’s ceramic whiskey jar next to his paper straws.
To Whom it May Concern: Good-Bye
When I heard how easy it is to navigate through the romantic side of Thai society with no more than a cursory nod I was on my way. I left my string of failed marriages back on the rocks off South Beach and moved into this culture where I have been introduced to a language of smiles that always surprises.
At first it was easier to navigate this culture than I could have imagined. All one had to do was to be most congenial without prejudice when smiled at and that was it, however, I soon discovered that this world can be more complicated than an E-ticket. There is more to navigating this culture than a wink and a nod. It can be rather tough down in the trenches and at times it was so tough I was most tempted to give up for a return trip home to see if I could salvage anything left under those rocks or maybe talk my mom out of some more money for a return trip. I was going to rely heavily on mom.
But it was those enchanting Thai smiles that kept me here. With rebuilt confidence I dove back in. I soon held every Thai woman’s heart in my hands and I believed most strongly I had found the ticket to frolicking naked and sipping rice whiskey from ceramic jars in the name of leisurely living. Then one morning I awoke from a stupor to discover I was still very much confused and was running low of funds at the same time.
I decided to win a fellowship from my old university to pretend research. There couldn’t be anything better than researching my lust for flesh and my drunken stupors while being paid a stipend at the same time; especially if it was funded by my old alma mater and my mother was left her pension.
Because of my inside track I did secure a fellowship loosely based on a presumption that I would emerge with a publishable paper more about culture than carnal knowledge and I would have procured safe passage home too… had I wanted to go.
Instead, for six years I have navigated in a fog filled circle and arrived back where I had started no more knowledgeable than when I started, not to mention confused and broke. I never understood what I was studying. How can I write a paper on failed research? Am I the first male to admit defeat in the land of smiles?
Signed Frederic R. Farmoothe IV
422, 427, 425, 461
(Excerpts of) Frederic’s Last Will and testament
Tangible Property: I bequeath my journal to those young editors who stood by transfixed at my compelling testimony of research gone sometimes kinky but most often just sordid. Be aware, the journal comes with a warning. Just like good medicine do not over prescribe.
A confession to my editors…. Not a peep to my college.
My talk of relationships over the course of six years is an exaggeration on the low side… I fear I would have lost my audience had I quoted from my daily journal the number of dalliances accomplished over the last five years in the name of research. What to me is a mere journal entry of a good night of research may be construed by some as braggadocio on my part. Not good in Academia Circles. Keep it among yourselves lads.
So dear young editors please peruse those journal pages with caution and restraint and remember that a man lost his life to this research. Tell them that when you go home.
P.S. Remember me to Pong Dangled
The End… Fred
411, 375, 368 374, 337, 512, 530, 545, 551, 598, 611, 615
Nursing Home police
Who decides when it is time for you to go into a nursing home? Do you decide? I think not.
In my opinion people who can still do the wild thing don’t belong in nursing homes but according to everything I have read about the old folks in the Nursing homes today, that’s what they are doing: having an abundance of sex whilst we imagine them just sitting around acting senile and playing a required hand of Canasta before bed time. According to this report, the old folks are slipping off after dinner and having sex on our dime. That kinda throws sand in the face of reason.
Until recently there were no nursing homes in Thailand. In Thai villages families still take care of their own. It’s hard to know what happens to the old people in the villages unless you take a trip out into the countryside and even then you have to look hard to find evidence enough to make a report such as this.
By looking closely you can spot the old folks. They are propped up in the shade against tables or poles or are swaying in hammocks beneath the house where someone is always around to swat flies, to wipe drool off a lower lip or to change a nappy. Those old folks are not having sex.
That’s why I’m not going home. I fear the nursing home police. I don’t want someone putting me in a home until I wouldn’t know where I was. I believe it is the Nursing Home Police who decide when you are going in and some of their decisions are a little too hasty as far as I’m concerned. In the United States the Nursing Home Police are locking people up who can still have sex and that is proof enough that the government doesn’t know what they are doing.
307 Words 315, 317, 322,323, 340, 343, 329, 314, 317, 316
Cartoon… Medical cartoon
Begin column two
The Marriage thing
By Danny DeBunk
I have a friend who is totally serious about having a lasting relationship with a Thai woman. He started off right… He bought a nice condo… loaded it with nice furniture, and all the pots and pans one would need to attract a wonderful western woman. Then he went out to find the perfect Thai girl….
He found an educated woman who happened to be knockout beautiful and had a wonderful family, however, at twenty-two years of age to my friends sixty-two years there were problems. Her move into the house went well for a day or two but soon his lady needed more things. In an effort to rekindle what was rapidly cooling my friend bought her a new car, however, her appreciation for the car and her new marriage waned soon after. When she again started making demands for more expensive “things”…. She was kicked to the street while my friend tallied his losses and got right back into the game…
He next fell in love with a really young country gal whose reading skills included lotto numbers and numbers on the TV remote. She didn’t last. With sadness and a few gifts thrown in to soften the blow she too hit the road.
Then my friend confided in me and I of course provided the answer to his dilemma.
I suggested he wait around for one of us old farang farts to die and then take up where that guy left off. My friend should marry a widow who is fluent in English, owns a car and the house. But even as I shared this information I was wondering how hard it would be for my friend to fall in love with a discarded thirty year old widow.
307, 313, 341, 334, 310, 313, 300, 301, 300, 301, 299
Cartoon Spot On.
Published on Facebook December 15, 2013
Who invented Karaoke
By Larry Vilipend
The guy who invented the mirror also invented karaoke. That’s common knowledge. The man who started by polishing sheets of metal until they shined enough to reflect an imagine and then had enough sense to improve on that by painting the back side of glass until the reflected imagine on the front side was perfect surely must have known how to put microphones and amps together in such a way that both inventions can keep a woman occupied for hours. The only difference is that a mirror can be used in the privacy of your own home where vain behavior can remain protected by family while karaoke is an invention designed to question heritage and good sense in front of crowds of strangers.
One of my new friends was telling me during light conversation that he and his lady have been going out and looking at model homes. My friend added that he is looking at these homes just as a way of getting good ideas and passing the time.
I lowered my chin and gazed across the table at my new friend as though my side of the table harbored all the sage advice. I asked my new friend if he was sure he hadn’t bought one of those model homes whilst he was out and about just getting ideas and passing time.
He said, “No, I am just looking. There is no way I am going to buy. ”
104 Words 113, 115, 124
Cartoon: playing hard to get
Editor’s Note: Success is intoxicating.
In December the Irregular Expats Dispatch received two emails bringing confirmed readership to five… Two complaints in October followed by an email in November and now two emails in December. We at the newspaper are bloated with ourselves and are prepared to gush out our appreciation in the form of an additional offering. We are calling this Our EPIC STORY and it begins here…..
Notes from Up Country
I’m writing this with but scant hope it will ever be read with another’s eyes. I am so far back in the country that mosquito’s hunt without the aid of their buzz. No sounds have been known to get out to the real world from here. It is a long way in. Nothing has gotten out. It is all Silence. So how can I hope for the power of the internet to pull any group of one’s and zero’s, no matter the sequence, into the light of day to mingle with the sounds of the real world. That’s where I have moved. If you are reading this please press the LIKE button as a reassurance to me that I have been found. I will then know there is power in the Internet and Zuckerburg really does exist.
We drove the four hundred miles to our new home at night so the highway looked like any other highway worldwide in the darkness of a moonless night. When you can’t look past the swale and see rice paddies or water buffalo it is easy to imagine you are anywhere else in the world you want to be, however, it takes but a second to see something in your head lights that snaps you back to the real time zone of your travels and reminds you that you are in a foreign country.
The Thai’s are resourceful people when it comes to earning a living in a pinch. There is no social security or worker’s comp to help people when things get tough. Thai’s have always adapted when they needed cash. Some down and out people have moved cooking gear onto the side of the road and cooked something to sell. With an abundance of enthusiasm on the emptiest of stomachs some of these folks have done well offering a menu of Bar-B-Q chicken and sticky rice to the folks driving by.
Another good way to earn a few bucks, if you don’t want to cook all day, is to simply walk into the woods and gather leaves or berries off the trees… Any and all trees will do… A few minutes of tearing leaves from the trees and a short walk back to the roadside is all the effort needed to sell your entire inventory. No display is necessary. Just standing alongside the roadside holding tree branches is all one needs to do to bring in the customers. Thai’s are into their greens and the sight of a man holding their lunch at the curb is too much to pass by. It’s a good thing some of these business types aren’t more enthused, otherwise all the forests of Thailand would be stripped bare in a week.
Continued below the cartoon… take a break. Get coffee… I change gears here.
Sometimes the product being offered needs a little more promotion than just standing along the roadway provides. I saw an example of this on the way up.
As we approached a village and started to slow before entering the city limits I saw just ahead of my headlights a woman jogging in the most stylish of jogging outfits. She wore white shoes, white pantyhose that went all the way up, a short white skirt, and a white blouse. All this glowing overstatement was topped off with a large white hair bow of some kind. Every inch of the garment screamed, “Look at me.” I saw all this in that split moment when the mind is working at it’s very fastest to take in the whole of the roadway and to separate hazard from none hazard. My mind stored the memory of the jogger and made a suggestion to my conscience that I revisit that non-hazard before passing.
My first thought, made in that moment of compressed time, was that I was driving up behind a determined health nut who had found a way to share the night time roadway in relative safety with passing cars. Her total white outfit was a billboard to; Safety First?
It was at that moment that I was reminded of the resourcefulness of Thai people but could not have imagined what I was going to learn in the next split second. This woman had seized on an advertising ploy that was designed to put into circulation large amounts of cash in the shortest amount of time.
As we approached and were within a hairs breath of passing, and of never seeing her again this clever woman showed us her closing. Without breaking stride she very cleverly reached behind her and deftly flipped all the material of her short skirt above her waste revealing to anyone traveling this way that her panty hose stopped just before they would otherwise have covered her buttock. She was amazingly naked under all those garments. It was an exciting moment for sure. But not lasting.
I instantly wanted to feel cheated but couldn’t. It was the first time a bait and switch had gone my way. What I thought at first was a new NIKE product line, was in reality a basic come on for the oldest of professions. I could only wonder how many times she had been around the block.
That’s all I have to say about that. The End
We warn you it is long…and may be of no interest to our readers: we don’t pull in the reins if the wind turns slightly sour. We forge ahead. This offering is more than a thousand words…. For those who are given to whimsical joke lines of ten or fifteen words this may not be for you but more for those who grew up most absorbed in dragon stories and men who slew dragons for no more than a kiss and a lewd and lascivious squeeze from some damsel in distress…. That maiden is featured prominently in this story. Give it a try and let us know.
Insert pages 31-36 of the White Knight … my documents.
This issue of the Regular Expats Dispatch starts off our second year of monthly publications. The editorial staff can’t keep from kicking themselves with happiness… after all it is not often that a newspaper with no intrinsic value can keep the presses rolling like this newspaper has…. You just can’t bow low enough for that kind of an accolade